SHE'S back. The Kat is sat on the mat again. And the residents of Albert Square are sorely in need of a cat as the place is being overrun by rats. Not love rats - though, goodness knows, there are enough of them in Walford - but vermin.

The problem in EastEnders (BBC1) appears to be coming from the Millers' home, something of a surprise as you wouldn't think this impoverished family would have enough food to go round.

They're forced to go to stay with Uncle Clint, a move that won't make his day, that's for sure. There's also the little matter of Aleesha's christening but, in true Miller style, nothing goes quite according to plan.

Meanwhile Jim Branning is playing at being the Pied Piper and leading the rats from the Square. He finds them in the kitchen and, after a spot of sleuthing with Dot, discovers that they originate not from the Millers' home but his own compost heap.

Little Mo and Billy talk about making a fresh start, although they get their wires crossed. She wants to start again with Alfie, he wants to restart with Little Mo.

The other Mo, whom we shall call Big Mo to avoid confusion, makes contact with a relative - the Kat mentioned earlier in this missive.

There's nothing Soapland likes more, after a good death or messy divorce, as the return of a prodigal son/daughter. Kat was an alcoholic, nymphomaniac last time we saw her. Her return is going to set the Kat among the pigeons once she learns that estranged husband Alfie has been carrying on with her sister Mo. I suspect a Kat fight in the offing.

Doctors at the Soapland Psychiatric Institute have long been worried about Zoe the alcoholic, schizophrenic, drug-addicted, lesbian vet and single parent in Emmerdale (ITV1). No wonder Scott, with whom she had a son during a lapse in her lesbianism, is determined to prevent her leaving the village with their child Jean.

His mother Viv gets on the case which involves proving to officials that Zoe is a not fit mother. I fear most onlookers would agree with that opinion.

Sadie the bitchy lady threatens to leave. Again. It's only five minutes since she left, only to return a few weeks later. Cain tries to cheer her up by leaving skimpy underwear on her bed. These undies aren't his (the idea of Cain in a lace thong is enough to turn anyone's stomach) but a gift for Sadie. Next morning she fails to show her undying gratitude for their roll in the hay, leaving Cain bitter and twisted and vowing revenge. When her dog is found dead, Cain is the chief suspect.

The canine's demise has advantages as it brings Sadie together again with Tom, the king of Kings who jilted her at the altar after discovering she'd had an affair. Ex-husband Jimmy isn't going to be pleased when he discovers that Tom wants Sadie back on the board - as opposed as on the boards, a position with which she is more familiar.

Bad news for Jim McDonald in Coronation Street (ITV1) as two years are added to his prison sentence for a vicious attack on his cellmate. Wife Liz comes over all fancy free at the news, determined to get a divorce and start having a good time.

The talk at the Rovers concerns the tempestuous relationship between landlady Shelley and Charlie the builder with the big toolbox.

Tongues wag faster than at a convention of gossips over the nature of their romance. Fed-up control freak Charlies blames poor Betty and suggests giving her the elbow.

When Shelley walks into a door and ends up with a black eye, she's confined to the bedroom in case locals thinks Charlie walloped her. Personally, I reckon Betty hit her with one of her hotpots.

Published: 19/05/2005