We are fast approaching the MADDEST ten days of the year in Cockfield, and I suspect its pretty much the same wherever you live !

In the Middle House on Christmas Day, (about 11am) its like a private mens club. All the lads wearing dodgy looking new pullovers, and smelling better than they have all year. By the time it gets to 12-30, they are nervously looking at their watches, and asking each other what time their dinner is. Apart from Cactus Jack, (Trevor Freeman) whose only worry is what time the pub shuts, and when it’ll be open again !

Many years ago, the then landlady, who shall remain nameless, used to appear on Christmas Day with the dreaded piece of mistletoe. With lips like a Hoover nozzle, she would hone in on the lads. “Are you going to kiss me under the mistletoe?” she said to one lucky chap. “I wouldn’t kiss you under Anaesthetic!” came the reply.

I got a slap for my cheek !!

Then its on to Christmas week.

We ask questions we would never ask at any other time of year, for example….

“What day is it?”

“When’s the bins out?”

“What time’s The Great Escape on?” AND “What time’s your mother going home ?”.

I’ve heard of a few strange presents people are buying this year.

Acrow’s buying his daughter a new front door.

Leanne Dowson is getting her partner Steve, some wallpaper and paint, and Mally Barnes has bought Suzanne a new ironing board, because she happened to mention in October that she needed a new one ! My bet is, when she sees it wrapped up, she’ll think it’s a surf board !

As for myself, I’ve bought the wife a tyre ! Let me explain.

We had a blow out on the motorway last week, and the tyre was shredded. A new one was needed at a cost of £180.

Well, it was on HER SIDE of the car !!

MERRY CHRISTMAS….