IN episode three of Rent a Cop, the Sparta Security crew embarked on a marketing drive to offer services to Darlington's gay community and Francis Jones continued his pursuit of reckless motorcyclists - with mixed results.

Here are six memorable quotes from Sparta boss 'Fearless' Francis Jones from this week's episode:

  • Explaining his new business direction: "We're targetting the gay, lesbian and homosexual market because that's something most companies don't latch on to."
  • Looking at a topless transexual: "I can't keep my eyes off them breasts, like; they look proper real. But it's a man, I've got to keep telling myself it's a man. It's a man Francis.
  • Handing his business card to a bunch of clubbers during a gay night marketing drive: "If you're straight it's all the more reason to send me a text, alright?"
  • "A sunbed and a haircut can take ten years off yer."
  • Preparing to go undercover to catch the bikers: "Like a tiger stalking it's prey... I'll jump out the bush and growl at him." (howls like a wolf)
  • Sitting in a camouflage den:  "Basically, we're just waiting for the terrorists to come on site... ie. kids on motorbikes. If it was terrorists it would be just the same, except we'd have rifles."
  • You can watch episode three of Rent a Cop on the BBC iplayer. Episode four is on BBC 3 next Thursday.