One last goodbye

WHEN Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates take their places in the majestic surroundings of Durham Cathedral next Saturday they will take another step towards their goal of offering some consolation to people who have lost a baby during pregnancy, birth or infancy.

Incredibly, Zoe suffered the loss of five babies due to miscarriage before finally giving birth to two healthy little girls.

But Zoe and her husband, who divide their time between Staffordshire and Devon and have longstanding friends in County Durham, emerged from their hellish experience with two healthy daughters and a determination to do something to help the thousands of other couples who have endured similar loss.

At a special 1.30pm service, on Saturday, Zoe and Andy – both 36 –will be joined by other couples from all over the North-East in what will be the first Saying Goodbye service in the region.

The Saying Goodbye services organised by Zoe and Andy are the first national set of remembrance services for people who have lost a baby in this way.

The Durham Cathedral service will be the second of more than 20 similar services the couple have planned in cathedrals and minsters across the UK as part of their efforts to set up a national support service for bereaved families.

The concept has struck a chord with families all over the UK, as well as being endorsed by medical experts such as Professor Lord Robert Winston, Professor Lesley Regan and Professor Lesley Page and broadcasters such as Nigella Lawson, Gabby Logan, Jools Oliver and the North-East’s own Denise Robertson.

Writing on her website, Zoe recalls how the experience of seeing a close friend go through the “horrendous experience” of miscarriage and stillbirth put her off having children for more than a decade.

But after being married for more than 12 years to the man she calls her “soul mate” and who happens to be her business partner as well, she suddenly felt her biological clock ticking.

Tragically, her first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage and she remembers her way of coping was to “almost pretend it hadn’t happened.

I didn’t want to be one of those statistics, which state up to one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage”.

HOWEVER, within a couple of months she was pregnant again. At first things went well but catastrophe recurred. She remembers getting out of bed after resting and feeling a sudden rush of blood.

“I knew my baby had just died. I lay on the floor begging God to save her, crying out to the only one who truly controls life and death, but I knew it was in vain.”

A week to the day after her baby’s heartbeat stopped, labour started and within 24 hours she delivered her dead child.

She remembers crying “buckets of tears” – along with her family – but being determined to carry on trying for a healthy child.

“It just increased the desire to have a baby, but the fear that I would never become a mum was overwhelming.”

Unbelievably, Zoe’s hopes were to be cruelly dashed again and what would have been her third baby was lost due to miscarriage.

Andy and Zoe Clark-Coates, who are pictured with second daughter

“Then we got pregnant again, and following a scary pregnancy, where we had fortnightly scans, we were finally handed our beautiful daughter, weighing six pounds and 15 ounces.

The relief was profound and there are no words to explain the elation of finally getting to hold and protect my tiny little girl.”

Zoe says nothing could prepare her for the joy of being a parent. “We loved being parents so much. There is nothing about being a mum I don’t love, so we decided to try for a brother or sister for our daughter.”

The couple believed that this time they would be spared the horror of miscarriage, but they were wrong.

“We got pregnant, and all the initial scans were perfect, then, on one of our appointments the scan showed our baby’s heartbeat had simply stopped. Time went in slow motion when we were told, I literally couldn’t speak.”

This time, rather than having her dead baby naturally Zoe opted to have the process accelerated medically.

Zoe found herself sobbing after two questions were asked by the nurse afterwards: “Would you like a post-mortem and would you like the remains back?”

That conversation crystallised in Zoe’s mind that something needed to be done to acknowledge the loss of tiny babies.

“In medical terms those who die in utero within the first 24 weeks of life are termed as retained products of conception, so perhaps you should expect to be asked these questions while filling in a form. I am one of millions however that feel not. I know for some people these aren’t babies they are just a group of cells, and I respect that this is their opinion, but to me and my husband, it was our child, not just a potential person, but a person, and he deserved to be acknowledged as such,” says Zoe.

PREGNANT for the sixth time Zoe had just told the family the news on Christmas Day when – within a few hours of her announcement –she started to bleed.

Told by a GP she had definitely miscarried, Zoe remembers feeling “crushing sadness” overtaking her.

But all was not lost. A scan in early January revealed signs of life in her womb.

After another scan, doctors told her that she was pregnant with twins – but one was much more developed than the other and the couple were told to be prepared to lose one of them.

“Sadly, we did go on to lose one of the babies, but the other hung on,” recalls Zoe.

When her baby finally appeared in August 2011, Zoe had been through the mill, having to undergo major surgery. Looking back, she says she now has “two adorable girls, whom I simply adore, they have made every single tear worth shedding”.

But Zoe and her husband say they now want to help others who have lost very young children.

“What I have learnt through this heartbreak is this – to me every child matters however far in pregnancy a person is.”

For Zoe, properly saying goodbye is the only way to get closure and be able to move forward.

“We want to stand alongside people and say ‘our babies mattered, and they deserve to be recognised’.”

The couple, who have two beautiful daughters, hope by coming and grieving “in these beautiful spaces” and having a formal opportunity to say goodbye, people will know “their pain has been acknowledged”.

More information about the Durham Cathedral service can be found at sayinggoodbye.org or you can follow on Twitter @sayinggoodbyeuk