SO there I was, at Hartburn Primary School, near Stockton, this morning after delivering a story-writing workshop for the pupils.

I was invited into the staff room for a coffee and joined a number of female teachers enjoying their break.

One of them just happened to be eating an extraordinarily large piece of fruit and it was genuinely in all innocence that I stared at her, wide-eyed, and blurted out: "That has to be the biggest pear I've ever seen."

It sounded like a bad line from a Carry On film and I sincerely apologise. I doubt I'll be asked back.

Mind you, it was a whopper.