Inspector calls

IF you’re missing Mary Portas sorting out the country’s ailing small businesses in the now-finished BBC2 series, here comes another strong woman with a good business head to sort out failing hotels.

Alex Polizzi has proved in previous series of The Hotel Inspector that she’s not a woman who suffers fools gladly. She tells it like it is, although whether those to whom she’s handing out advice will listen remains to be seen.

Her first challenge in the new series sees her visiting the three-star, 62-bedroom Astor, in Plymouth, owned by the flamboyant Joseph Louei. Having risen from pot-washer to owner of a hotel in 30 years, he’s naturally very proud of his achievements.

However, in recent years Plymouth has been flooded with cheap chain hotels, so the independent hostelries are struggling against stiff competition.

In the nine years of Joseph’s ownership, the Astor has never made a profit.

Its woes are compounded by a raft of terrible online reviews from dissatisfied customers.

As The Hotel Inspector goes up the stairs, she notices that the landings and corridors are filthy. This, she points out, gives guests a negative and lasting impression of the hotel.

Upon entering a selection of the hotel’s rooms, she spots one of her pet hates – towels piled on the bed instead of on the bathroom rack. “Every s**t hotel has towels piled in the middle of the bed,” she says.

She is equally unimpressed by the over-the-top nature of the rooms and their idiosyncratic decoration. “A really good three-star hotel does not need this,” she says, gesturing at the assorted chintz patterns on the bedspread.

Polizzi is also sorely disappointed by the hotel’s buffet breakfast, which she feels is the last chance a hostelry has to leave the customer with a good impression.

When she raises these points with Joseph, he is evasive and unwilling to change his methods.

“How many more layers of denial can you add?” asks a frustrated Hotel Inspector.

She concludes that lack of attention to detail is a real problem for the Astor. Simple touches such as matching hangers in the cupboards, a smart welcome pack and a clean, bright reception can make or break a hotel.

Although Joseph seems to take on his guests’ complaints, he’s still convinced that the bad internet publicity that his hotel receives is down to a personal smear campaign conducted by his enemies. This paranoia hinders his ability to face facts about his failing business.

“It’s like a waltz – one step forward, two steps sideways and one step back,” Polizzi says of the hotel’s progress.

She presses on with plans to change the hotel’s image and standing within the community.

She gets Joseph to host a function of local Plymouth business people to raise the hotel’s profile and forge some valuable alliances.

The function is also the perfect setting for the unveiling of the new redecorated reception area. If Joseph can get everything up to scratch by the big day, that is.

IN Location, Location, Location, Phil and Kirstie head for Wiltshire to face another tough challenge.

Although Vicky and Andy are looking for a new place together, they’re on two very different pages of the same book.

She’s intent on the ideal home in which she can raise a family of four. Andy, however, hopes to turn his passion for working on 4x4 vehicles into a full-time vocation, and wants both home and business on one site.

The dynamic property duo soon realise they can’t make both Vicky and Andy’s dreams come true. But will either of them back down?

At least Malcolm and Jenny seem to be after the same thing. The problem is they just don’t have any idea how to get it.

After four months looking at houses on the internet, they haven’t found a single property they want.

And that certain something missing from their checklist? A place that will “give them a big hug”.