EVERYBODY is growing a beard these days.

Well, maybe not the women of the world. But everyone else who is capable of growing a beard, seems to be doing so.

I’ve got involved in it, too. Eschewing the gimmicky, got-too-big-for-its-boots, message-has-got-lost-somewhere Movember, I’ve gone the whole hog and I’m growing an all-out soup strainer.

I’m no stranger to beards. I wore a goatee from the age of 16 through to my early 20s, while I experimented with a combination of moustache and sideburns designed to replicate Geoff from Byker Grove, with mixed results. I looked like an idiot.

And there’s family history too. My dad has been bearded all of my life. I think he’s been bearded for all of his life too. I have not seen him without facial hair. So I guess it’s a genetic thing. I am born to wear a beard too. It’s the Mason way.

After fears that it was too long, too unruly. I followed advice online and purchased some beard oil in order to keep it smooth and luxuriant. Trouble was, the only scent they had available was ‘sandalwood’ – so I smell like an old cabinet now.

And it is ridiculously absorbent. I lost a cup of tea in it the other day. One sip and the whole lot disappeared. It claimed the yolk of a fried egg recently.

But it’s worth it. The winter is drawing in, and this beard is providing warmth where there once was a chill.

It has become this year’s must-have accessory, and it’s here to stay.

Well, until my wife tells me to shave it off.

“HOW did we do today?”

This is the question that has become 2014’s “have you been injured in an accident in the last six years?” and is no less annoying.

For reasons unknown to me, anyone who provides a service now feels it appropriate to contact their customers after a visit to ask how we think they did.

Take a look at your receipts. They’re full of them. “Let us know what you think”, “happy with the service today?” – offering an incentive to fill in an online survey and win cash prizes, in a practice where they will probably hive off your contact details to be sold on at a later date.

When did these people become so needy? Why should they hang on our every word anyway? Online reviews are basically a snapshot of the extreme. If you’re ecstatic with a product, you’re probably likely to complete a glowing review of it. Likewise if you’re furious about something, you’re going to post a stinking review.

My new car insurance company called me a few weeks back to sell some unnecessary add-ons, for which I gave them short shrift. In fact, I slammed the phone down on them. They were left in no doubt whatsoever that I was unhappy with their phone call and that I was dissatisfied with the service that had been provided.

So the email, ten minutes after the phonecall was completed, to ask me how I think the call went – well, it was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?

What can they possibly glean from this practice, other than to inconvenience and infuriate the customer? We already have to put up with a constant barrage of sales calls, now it is multiplied by those who are supposed to provide a service to us.

And has anyone actually won a cash prize after completing one of these surveys?

Let me know what you think.