How the complexity of official forms can encourage your mind to wander

I HAVE been looking back over the columns I’ve written for the Northern Echo over the last few years and have discovered that I’ve used the words “What’s in a name?” four times so far to start the article. So, here’s the fifth.

What’s in a name? Because I’ve recently had cause to refer to a wonderful document helpfully provided by the Food Standards Agency. It’s called “Criteria for the use of the terms Fresh, Pure, Natural, etc. in food labelling” and is a riveting read about what terms should be used to describe foodstuff. It’s a 32 page publication that must have taken many hours of loving effort by quite a team to ensure that our lives are not ruined by unscrupulous food producers. A mere 9,300 words long, it cites the agency’s desire to “assist manufacturers, producers, retailers and caterers decide when these descriptions may be used and when they should not . . .”

I wonder how the sheep are doing in the paddock. Are those flipping rabbits eating all the grass or is there enough to keep the sheep alive? And who’d be a sheep, wearing a woolly coat, during the summer months? That being said it’s not been that hot . . . . Sorry! Back to the FSA’s interesting document.

“Expressions such as “freshly cooked”, “freshly prepared”, “freshly baked”, “freshly picked” should have no other connotation than the immediacy of the action being described. Where such expressions are used, it is recommended they be accompanied by an indication (eg of the date or time or period – “freshly prepared this morning”) of when the action being described took place”.

Good. That’s all right then. I was beginning to think that we, as consumers, wouldn’t be able to tell whether something’s fresh or not. But with this interesting and helpful document, as well as 25 sections devoted to the word “fresh”, we can all sleep safely in our beds again. How did we ever do without this publication? And how are the staff doing in preparing for this weekend’s wedding parties? It’s great that we’ve got them at both Seaham Town Hall and Shotton Hall. Isn’t August a busy month for weddings? And don’t all the brides look so beautiful . . . .

Did I drift again? And from such an important subject too. Of course, the word “natural” is obviously a minefield, despite only nine sections of the document being given over to it. “Pure” and “traditional” take a further eight while “authentic”, “real” and “genuine” take 15 sections.

But, unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever really know about such terms as “farmhouse”, “premium”, “quality” or “best” because they come later on and it’s a bit like one of those worthy books that you always meant to read and, now that you’ve got the chance, you find that after the first few pages you go and do something less taxing such as putting up shelves or spring-cleaning the house.

I’m not clear how we lived without such guidance before the FSA came along. It’s certainly changed my life; as well as the lives of all the people paid to dream up the document and produce it. And talking of dreaming, I wonder what the response is like to our recruitment drive for Seaham Town Hall. Maybe we’ve had some fresh applications. Or would they be “new” rather than “fresh”? See. Reading this publication’s a little like sleep-learning. Despite my mind wandering, the information’s obviously getting through. I told you the document had changed my life.