THE prospect of the patter of tiny feet is heard in both Coronation Street (ITV) and Emmerdale (ITV) – quickly followed by cries of ‘who’s the daddy?’ Both Vanessa the vet and Erica the strumpet find themselves in the club, up the duff, with a bun in the oven, or however you want to put it. And both are – shall we say? – ladies of a more mature persuasion, proving that you’re never too old.

First stop is Weatherfield where Erica, 49, stops by to tell Nick Nick that she is Knocked Knocked Up and expecting his child, further proof that news of contraceptives still hasn’t reached Soapland. Erica had a brief fling with Bistro boss Nick Nick, who’s rather hoping to get his hands of knicker factory boss Carla. Alas, he’s interrupted by Erica’s glad tidings. This is both good and bad news for him. He’s always wanted a child, but he’s also wanting to cuddle up with Carla, who won’t take kindly to news of him leaving another lady with child.

Nick Nick and Carla have been getting fruity at a wine-tasting session (if only they’d remember to spit not swallow) before Erica arrives with her news and puts a damper on things. Erica has no interest in becoming a couple, although she does make certain demands of her ex-lover. Whatever you do don’t tell his mum Gail the hamster, who thinks no woman is good enough for her precious son.

Vanessa the vet’s pregnancy in Emmerdale is a little more complicated. The 39-year-old is back with toy boy boyfriend Kirin after her one night fling with Adam. Now she learns she’s expecting. If only she knew whether Kirin or Adam was the father. Perhaps they could pick straws to find out who deserves the Father’s Day card.

In another part of Emmerdale, Laurel isn’t pregnant but she is drunk. Again. Turned down for a job as a cleaner, she seeks solace in a bottle and passes out in a drunken stupor with husband Marlon’s young daughter April trying to wake her from her alcoholic slumber. After three bottles of wine, she’s in no fit state for anything apart from choking on her own vomit.

Also finding solace in booze is Kat in EastEnders (BBC1) before she heads to the nunnery. No, not to become the new Maria in The Sound of Music but to face the past. The convent is where she gave birth to daughter Zoe of “I ain’t yer sister, I’m yer muvver” fame. Happily Sister Ruth, a dead ringer for June Whitfield, is on hand to offer Kat advice and help confront her demons.

Fill the Fug is having a good day. Mad Max is having a bad day. Max is worried that the police are after him because he bought dodgy motors from a seductive blonde. Fill takes advantage of this to get Max to sign the Arches garage back over to him.

Those who thought Fill the Fug was a bad lot should consider Aunt Babe, a woman as manipulative as a circus contortionist. She’s scarily bonkers. She’s also releasing some of the skeletons that are locked in the Carter family closet. Whitney and Lee release something from dead Stan’s armchair – a cache of cash. But what do you do with the funds? Should they keep the cash or hand it over to the Carter family. Lee’s idea (a pretty stupid one) is not to tell anyone about the hidden money, so they can’t get into arguments over it.