I'M not saying Albert Square is a depressing place, but there are back-to-back funerals in EastEnders (BBC1) next week. Two for the price of one, you might say. Although with Silly Billy in charge of organising both final farewells, you might guess that he's a dead loss.

Stan Carter and Jim Branning are those taking centre stage in the ceremonies – ie they're the corpses. As befits an East End event things do not run smoothly. Stan Carter's last wish that his death unites his warring family is not respected. One unexpected, uninvited and definitely not wanted mourner is Dean. He's been released from prison (he belted a copper) and there's still the matter of his denied rape of Linda Carter to be dealt with.

His parents Surely Shirley and Buster bring him back to the Square and who should be waiting but Linda. She wants closure, as they say in psychiatric circles, and feels that will only be possible if Dean owns up to what he did. Alas and alack, husband Mick, never the subtlest of fellas, bursts in just as Linda is about to get Dean to confess all.

After the funeral, there's a fight with Mick and Dean having fisticuffs in the Queen Vic. Dean is ejected from the pub and cry baby Mick breaks down in Linda's arms saying how much he misses his dad. Surely Shirley's also having a crisis – she must choose between her two sons. Dean and Mick.

As the Carters file out after Stan's funeral, the equally troubled Branning clan take over to say goodbye to Jim. Carol and Max squabble over Jim's eulogy. Max has enough on his plate dealing with the reality that he's sold stolen cars. But who's the mystery guest at Jim's funeral stepping out of a police car in handcuffs? Why, it's Jim's widow, Dot, accompanied by a couple of prison guards. Max, of course, is familiar with being shut in a coffin – his disgruntled wife buried him alive on account of his marital meanderings.

Rivalry for custody of a child causes David and Callum to take desperate measures to discredit one another in Coronation Street (ITV). David plans to teach Callum a lesson – only to find himself at the mercy of Callum and his violent friends.

David's mum, Gail the hamster, has problems of her own. Bridegroom Michael thinks that Andy is his son Gavin. Gail knows the difference, but confusingly Michael is blissfully unaware of the imposter. Gail feels guilty about keeping the secret – as well she might – as the day of her marriage to Michael draws near. She's tried before, but turned up too late for the ceremony that time. On this occasion she hums and has about saying "I do", making Michael think she doesn't want to. Could this put the kibosh on this latest attempt to get married?

The return of an absent father/husband/brother (delete where applicable) is never good news. Chrissie isn't pleased to see former hubby Donny following her teenage son Lachlan's brush with the law, after sexually assaulting a woman he was stalking in Emmerdale ( ITV1). Donny reckons he's taking Lachlan back to Scotland (without a referendum). Chrissie wants to stop him, enlisting the help of Ross. She gives Donny the money to pay off a gangster Charlie who's hassling him, then employs Ross to steal it back.

This is not a good idea. Before you can say Kray Brothers, Ross has the money in one hand and Debbie in the other – and is being hotly pursued by Charlie and his gang. When Ross and Debbie hide out in a hotel room, he makes a play for Debbie who, she should remember, is going out with Ross' brother Pete.