HERE in Soapland we are all in favour of safe driving. No getting behind the wheel for Rodney after a few pints at the Woolpack. And no jobs as a getaway driver for Fill the Fug after supping at the Queen Vic.

I’m not saying anything about women drivers but Geordie Val, who usually inflicts damage on the locals with her vocal invective, saddles up in Emmerdale (ITV1) and the results are calamitous.

Not quite in the tram-falling-off-a-viaduct kind of way but emotionally scarring for several people.

Val, you will recall, is at loggerheads with husband Eric Pollard in the wake of her return from abroad (where she spent all his savings) and finding him romancing Brenda. Running him down in broad daylight is but the latest chapter of accidents in the couple’s stormy relationship.

And it is an accident. Val is merely trying out the moped she has bought for foster daughter Amy in a bid to get into her good books. As Val revs up the engine, she loses control and zooms straight into Eric, knocking him to the ground and probably leaving a nasty imprint of her tyre on his jumper.

Eric’s Moped Terror as the local paper, Inside Soap, screams in its headline is clearly not the way to win back her estranged husband or endear her to Amy.

Elsewhere in the village Jai hits the bottle and then hits on Rachel. He’s drinking after learning brother Jai is expecting (well not Jai, his lover Gennie). This hits him hard because his wife Charity has declared she doesn’t want any more children. Jai needs someone to talk to, although he’s not making much sense after all that drink. He pours out his troubles to cleaner Rachel and soon the cleaner is getting down and dirty with the businessman.

There’s one happy couple in Soapland – Nick and Leanne in Coronation Street (ITV1) as the former husband and wife resume marital relations. This is bad news for Leanne’s sister, Eva, who is Nick’s current girlfriend, who doesn’t much like having Nick nicked from under her nose by her sister. At least she’s keeping it in the family.

Love rat Nick isn’t the only rodent scampering across the Weatherfield cobbles.

A health inspector visits the Rovers Return at the very moment that Craig Tinker’s pet rat pops up behind the bar. Poor Eva, reeling from being dumped, is in charge when the rat race begins.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets in EastEnders (BBC1) atlhough being banged up while she’s banged up isn’t what she had in mind.

THE pregnant teenager wants revenge on Loopy Lucy after she sacks her from Ian Beale’s chip emporium. So she pours chip fat on the cars at Branning Brothers in the hope that the police will blame Lucy. Grease is the word.

Her plan works up to a point. Eventually the fat-dripping finger of suspicion is pointed at Lola and she’s marched away by the Soapland police.

Kim’s in trouble with boyfriend Ray over her racy past. In a bid to bond with his daughter, Sasha, she relays details of her past romances to her. What she doesn’t reckon with is Sasha repeating these sordid tales to Ray. It could mean he passes on the chance to move in with Kim.