HERE in Soapland we’re used to odd couples, although the least said the better about Wellard’s dalliance with the poodle from the pub.

None has seemed quite so strange as what happens in EastEnders (BBC1) as Silly Billy hooks up with Jean, the woman who makes the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz look like a Mastermind winner.

It all begins when Billy’s past comes back to haunt him, in the form of a letter asking him to testify against an abusive carer from the children’s home in which he grew up.

He foolishly turns to Fill the Fug for advice which is like asking the Boston Strangler to knot your tie for you. Fill’s answer is typically violent – he rips up the letter.

I’m-all-right Jack offers Billy work at R&R but when some posh types start picking on Jean, old memories come back and he tries to thump one of them. Fill the Fug would be proud of him. Jack, however, doesn’t take to him assaulting customers quite so well and sends him home.

This is where a Jean-ius idea leads to a spot of kiss, kiss, bang, bang. She takes Billy home for a cup of tea. One things lead to another and before you can say PG Tips Billy is dunking his teabag in Jean’s teapot.

Worse is to come. Jay works out that guardian Billy has been having more than tea and sympathy. Billy, ashamed of his antics the night before, says he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing in the first recorded instance of someone getting drunk drinking tea.

How unfortunate that Jean is standing right behind Billy when he tells his lies. More kissy-kissy in Albert Square as the Jacksons throw a party to celebrate Billie’s 22nd birthday.

That’s Billie with an ie not Billy with a y. He’s Carol’s soldier son and is heading for Sarf-end not Walford before Bee-anchor drags him back to the Square to party.

Soon another Billie is being silly after the drinks are laced (and not with lemonade).

And as for Rick-eeeee, he ends up being snogged by Kim. I fear for his privates when wife Bee-anchor finds out.

Underworld boss Carla hits the bottle in Coronation Street (ITV1) but help comes from an unlikely source – Peter Barlow. He’s a man who knows his drink as he’s a recovering alcoholic.

Carla’s drinking herself senseless (not that she’s ever had much sense when it comes to men) after Nick tells her he’s selling his shares in the knicker factory and ex-boyfriend Trevor collects the last of his things.

Peter’s sympathetic because he’s seen life through the bottom of a bottle himself. Alas, Carla decides that snuggling up to Peter would be a good alternative to drink.

Never mind that he’s engaged to be married to Leanne. How long before she’s got her hands on Peter instead of a glass of Merlot.

Join four residents of Emmerdale (ITV1) on a boys night out. As Aaron and boyfriend Jackson try to patch things up, pals Paddy and Marlon get to experience a gay bar for the first time after being told to avoid the phrase “bottoms up” when proposing a toast.

Alas, it all ends in tears. Not in the bar but on the drive home when their car comes off the road and crashes on to a railway line with a train fast approaching them.

Trains have not played a big role in the past in Emmerdale where the favoured mode of transport is a tractor or a horse. The horror crash leaves one of the four fighting for his life. You’ll have to guess which one.