Thumping plot

He’s as likely to win Father of the Year as I am to win a beautiful baby contest. And this week in EastEnders (BBC1) he can kiss goodbye to his chances of being named Son of the Year after he thumps his mother, pint-sized Peggy, Queen of the Queen Vic.

It is, as you may gather, a bad week for Fill who’s had his fill of raising children. Son Ben, the would-be Billy Elliot who’s turned to violence, is languishing in a young offenders’ institution (or grammar school as some people call it), where he’s being used as a punchbag by the other inmates.

Fill the Fug’s solution is to give him a book on boxing. To be honest, Ben’s better off behind bars than being raised by the Mitchell brother. Back in the Square, Fill’s daughter, Louise, has gone missing. This is bad news for Fill who’s hoping the authorities will give him custody of the little girl.

Eventually she’s found but Fill takes it out on his poor old mum Peggy. A fight over a bottle of booze – Fill’s drug of choice – ensues and ends with fearsome Fill striking his mother. Oh, Fill, how low you’ve sunk.

Next day a black-eyed P does the decent thing, deciding that Louise would be better off with her mother. Not that Lisa is exactly squeaky clean, having previously shot Fill (a public service some would say) and abducted Louise.

Peggy doesn’t exactly welcome Lisa with open arms. More like a clenched fist as she gives her a good slap round the face for deserting Louise in the first place.

Then she hands over Louise.

Fill is, shall we say, displeased with his mother’s actions. He flies into a Mitchell rage, rushes round to Lisa’s house and breaks down the door. The place is deserted. For Fill, there’s only one thing to do – have a drink, then another, and another, and... you get the picture.

RYAN LAMB’S having a bad day in Emmerdale (ITV1) – he’s arrested for murdering his bigamist father Mark Wylde.

Soapland police are busy arresting everyone in the village on the grounds that they’ll get the right person sooner or later.

Ryan’s like a Lamb to the slaughter as he’s been set up by his wicked half-brother Nathan. The cops have found gun residue in the pocket of Ryan’s coat – along with sweet wrappers and a lot of fluff – and decide he must have done it.

While the Wylde man has been dug up, Emmerdale residents put someone else into the ground as Shadrach’s funeral takes place. He died after falling in the river while retrieving a can of lager – as good an advert for the dangers of drink as I can think of.

IN Coronation Street (ITV1), hairdresser Audrey and her toyboy escort Lewis are back from their trip to Greece in preparation for their planned life in the sun. They’re wanting to buy a hotel on a Greek island (where Audrey will traipse around like Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia), so Audrey puts her house on the market and takes out a loan.

Lewis, however, is as sneaky as that chap who conned the Woolpack’s Diane out of her money in Emmerdale. Soon the former escort is hanging around the betting shop and putting his hand in the till, rather than Audrey’s underwear.

What is it about the men in Weatherfield? John is busy covering up the death – during a fight – of the man whose identity he has stolen. That means sneaking out of the house at all hours to conspire with Charlotte.

His wife, Fiz, becomes convinced John is having an affair with Charlotte. When she fails to get a reasonable explanation from Charlotte, she heads off on holiday alone.