MOTHER of three, wife of five (not all at once) and now killer. Gail McIntyre – or Gail the hamster as we know and love her – has led a rich and varied life that other small rodents can only dream about.

Not for her days spent paddling away on the wheel, her little legs moving faster than Scrooge makes for the exit when it comes to buying a round.

No, she’s been out and about marrying the most unsuitable men imaginable. Who else in Soapland can boast of having wedded and bedded a line-up that has included one husband who was stabbed after she married him for the second time, another who was a toy boy (with whom she produced Demonic David), a serial killer and now a debt-ridden loser who can’t even fake his own death properly.

The latest, Joe, sailed off in a dingy dinghy in an elaborate plot plucked from the headlines to pretend he’d been lost at sea so Gail could claim the insurance and pay back his debts.

Alas, loser Joe was no Pirate of the Manchester Ship Canal as he fell overboard and drowned for real. And now the facts, m’lud, are all pointing to Gail having murdered him in Coronation Street (ITV1) Oh, what a tangled web she weaves. When the Soapland police – fresh from investigating evil Archie’s demise in Walford – find the insurance documents showing Gail stands to inherit a fortune, put two and two together and get five. Gail, they surmise, must murdered him and with a cry of “You’re nicked” cart her off to the police station.

At least Gail is used to life behind bars. It’s a natural habitat for a domestic hamster. She can also ask son Demonic David for tips on how to survive as he served time for being a very naughty boy.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield life goes on as usual with a violent outburst in the knicker factory, and if you’ve ever had a violent outburst in your knickers you’ll know it’s not pleasant.

Teresa accepts a challenge from gobby Kelly that she can find a job by the end of the day. She marches into Underworld and is amazed when boss Carla shoves a mop in her hand and tells her to get cleaning. Kelly isn’t happy with the situation. Violence ensues as Teresa wipes the floor with Kelly – using her mop, of course.

People are confessing to murder left, right and centre in Soapland.

After Stacey’s “I killed Archie”, Nastasha Wylde fesses up to shooting husband, boring Mark after learning he was a bigamist with a secret son in Emmerdale (ITV1).

How unwise to confide in son Nathan, a bad lad who’s already tried to assault his father’s other wife, flame-haired Faye, and been beaten for it by her son/his secret half-brother Ryan.

In EastEnders (BBC1) it’s Bradley’s funeral and his dad, notso- Mad Max Branning, is having a tough time as both his son’s pregnant (by another man) widow Stacey and estranged wife Tanya are missing.

Max has to rely on sister Carol, a woman who knows all about gloom and doom, to get him through the difficult time. She won’t find many laughs accepting a dinner date – hopefully not a tongue sandwich – with Silly Billy, which is the equivalent of a blind date with the grim reaper. Alas, there is a kiss at the end of the evening Trouble too for killer preacher Lucas Johnson as Owen’s mother, Liz, stirs it by reporting her son’s disappearance to the police. She’s heard nothing from him for months, which isn’t surprising as Lucas buried him under a tree planted in memory of his late wife.