I HAVEN'T seen her most famous performance in her infamous sex tape, One Night In Paris. But I reckon that Paris Hilton winning an Oscar is as likely as Heather Mills remarrying Paul McCartney.

In this excruciatingly-titled comedy, she is Cristabel Abbot, aka the "hottest woman in LA".

Heads turn - but not in a Linda Blair Exorcist way - when she jogs by in her clinging top and short shorts.

The script (I use the term loosely) would have you believe that every man lusts after her.

But they can't have her because she's vowed to stay single and sex-free, despite her assertion that "a life without orgasms is like a world without flowers", until her best friend June Phigg (Christine Lakin) gets a boyfriend.

Trouble is, she's the Nottie, as in Not Very Nice Looking. Ugly Betty is Miss World compared to June with her spots, rotting teeth, festering toenail and hairy body.

She has a horrible personality to match. Nate Cooper (dorkish Joel David Moore) has yearned for Cristable since his primary school days and, after his latest girlfriend walks out on him, determines to woo her.

Moore works overtime to compensate for the woeful lack of funny lines and amusing situations. But he can't give Hilton screen presence. She's as animated as the hotel building she's named after.

Stars: Paris Hilton, Joel David Moore, Christine Lakin.
Running time: 91 mins Rating: Two stars