A FUNERAL in Soapland isn’t a funeral without a punch-up or someone falling into the grave. Emmerdale (ITV1) doesn’t disappoint as Donna, the sleeping policewoman, is laid to rest. Mind you, all the commotion is enough to wake the dead.

Even before the day of the funeral, there’s trouble when her daughter April goes missing as she looks for her absent mummy.

Ross, Donna’s partner in crime and in love, finds the little girl and returns her like lost property to her father, Marlon the chef.

Marlon used to be married to Donna, is the father of April and hates Ross Barton – not unreasonably you may think as he’s been a bad, bad boy. Ranting Ross is upset at Donna’s death, even more so now he’s been banned from the funeral. Nobody wants him there and Donna is in no fit state to insist otherwise. Debbie, who’s going out with another of the Barton boys, tries to make Ross see sense but has as much hope of success as someone with a low IQ trying to solve the Times crossword puzzle.

Ross is the 12 angry men all rolled into one. Even Cain locking him in the garage fails to keep him away from the funeral. A scuffle with Marlon as the coffin arrives.

Ross finally takes the hint and starts packing his bags. Debbie finds him, tries to calm him down and is rewarded with a kiss. Hang on a minute, isn’t she going out with his brother?

I see another punch-up on the horizon.

Times are hard too for Ian Beale in EastEnders (BBC1). He has a double dose of trouble. Firstly, there’s drug addict prostitute Rainie who’s preparing to Rainie on his parade by telling all about his whereabouts on the night of his daughter Lucy’s murder.

Fill the Fug, who shared a drug addiction with Rainie, visits her much to the disapproval of his intended Sharon. But Rainie is as angry as Ross. Before Ian can sort her out his pregnant teenager Cindy, his stepdaughter, returns from Devon where Ian sent her to stop her exposing his false alibi.

He tries to get rid of her and then she starts going into labour. Enter Ian Beale, midwife.

Quick, get some hot water and towels – for Ian, he’s sweating a lot and needs a good wash.

Over in Weatherfield, Tyrone takes a fall in Coronation Street (ITV1). He’s gone to take pictures of his new loft conversion (whatever turns you on), but falls from the ladder and straight through the floor, thanks to Jason’s cut-price building work.

The floor isn’t the only thing collapsing.

Alcoholic Peter Barlow is back on the booze.

Even being in prison on remand for murder doesn’t stop him imbibing. When he finds Jim’s secret stash of booze he drinks the lot.

Jim finds him passed out on the floor.

This could cause him huge problems, not so much that Peter might die but that he’s got no booze left to sell to inmates. His inside trading is in doubt. He needs a stiff drink, but Peter’s drunk every drop.