HAVING a quiet pint in one of Soapland’s pubs – be it the Rovers, the Vic or the Woolpack – is as likely to happen as David Cameron voting Labour. These watering holes are not somewhere to relax and enjoy a bag of pork scratchings.

More likely than not, there will be arguments, beer-throwing and hair-pulling.

So it is in Emmerdale (ITV), where serial killer Cameron (not David, I hasten to add) is holding the drinkers at gunpoint. It’s not because he didn’t win the raffle,but because he’s now as mad as a hatter. He’s escaped from jail and come to take Debbie out.

Unfortunately, his mood swings between shooting anything than moves and sweettalking Debbie into fleeing with him.

But, I get ahead of myself. Mention must be made of the storm raging outside and the threat of the village being flooded. This is bad news for chef Marlon who’s lying unconscious in the cellar after being clobbered by Killer Cameron as he burst into the pub brandishing a shotgun.

If the cellar floods – and you can bet your life (and Marlon’s) it will – then the Woolpack will need a new chef… and some new customers if that shotgun is fired.

Killer Cameron has shown his softer side by leaving Debbie’s daughter Sarah unharmed in a barn. But everyone else in the bar of the Woolpack had better watch out.

That includes Priya and her hen party gang.

Little do they realise they’ve locked themselves in with the son of a gun on the run.

Chas, Killer Cameron’s former lover, decides to have a go and thwacks him over the head with a chair. The others join in and a gunshot rings out. Who will be his next victim? Things are no more cheerful in Coronation Street (ITV1) where terminally ill Hayley comes to a decision after a trip to Blackpool. She has a good time beside the seaside beside the sea, with husband Roy, but once she gets back to Weatherfield reality strikes.

Seeing how friend Jane, who also has cancer, has deteriorated makes her think about her own future.

She tells Roy she plans to end her own life before the cancer kills her (see, I warned you it wasn’t very cheerful). She wants the right to die, but Roy may not go along with the idea.

At last some happy news – a christening. I may have spoken too soon. The baby in question is little Lily. Mother Kylie’s not sure who’s the daddy – husband Demonic David or his brother Nick Nick. At last the results of the DNA tests are in although it’s unfortunate that Nick Nick’s wife Leanne picks them up. Oh, did I mention that David was responsible for the car accident that nearly killed Nick Nick? Clearly the christening, with all parties gathered together, is going to be an interesting time.

Just as challenging promises to be the return of a familiar face behind the bar of the Rovers – Liz McDonald although happily she’s not brandishing a shotgun. Just a pushup bra and short skirt.

Meanwhile, saying goodbye is Jack Branning in EastEnders (BBC1). Jack isn’t all right any more. He and his ex-love Da-Do- Ron-Ronnie agree their relationship isn’t working. This comes after he buys her an engagement ring.

But the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together doesn’t appeal. So Jack packs his bags and says goodbye not only to Ronnie, but Walford. If only Killer Cameron had left Debbie in such a civilised manner.