HERE’S some news hot off the press – the Rovers Return is ablaze. Not so much a towering inferno as a killer inferno. But who’s going to get too hot under the collar and sizzle like a sausage on a barbecue?

Landlady Stella arrives home to find the place deserted. It turns out everyone in Coronation Street (ITV1) is round at the Bistro watching the Full Monty show as a group of firefighters do a striptease for charity.

But just as they’re about to get their hoses out comes news that the Rovers is on fire.

How handy that they’re close by although I hope they get dressed again before firefighting.

I wouldn’t want them to singe their assets.

Stella has already returned to the pub after a row with Sunita, the woman who ran off with Stella’s man Karl.

She smells smoke and finds herself trapped upstairs as the flames take hold. She can’t get the window open and can’t get downstairs because the stairs are on fire.

Little does she know – and frankly even if she did know, she wouldn’t care – that Sunita is downstairs and also has flames licking round her like a cat at a saucer of milk. She can’t see the wood for the burning trees in the bar and tumbles down the cellar stairs.

Karl tries to rescue Stella, the woman he can’t live with, only to end up trapped with her after the staircase collapses.

They’ll need the local fire-fighters to save them – if they can manage to get their trousers on in time.

Things get a little heated too in EastEnders (BBC1). No, Fill the Fug doesn’t spontaneously combust despite his ruddy complexion. He beds Tanya. No one saw that coming. Certainly not her former lover Mad Max and his occasional missus Kirsty.

Tanya pretends she’s got a new bloke in order to save face in front of Max. Fill steps in and pretends he’s the one that she wants.

She’s very grateful and, fuelled by a glass or two of cheap wine (a cheeky little Merlot brewed in the shed), she ends up looking at Fill in a new light. A rather fuzzy light on account of her alcohol consumption.

The pair end up in the bedroom (come up and see my collection of wine bottles, says temptress Tanya) and one thing like to the other. Tanya wakes up next morning with a hangover and Fill snoring next to her. There can be fewer worse starts to the day.

Who’s been sleeping in my bed? concerns some folk in Emmerdale (ITV1) too. Jai returns from a trip aboard (he fell over in France) to hear that wife Charity began at Home Farm, where she bonked the Dodgy Declan.

Perhaps she shouldn’t feel so bad as – although she doesn’t know yet – that Jai had a one night stand with Rachel and he’s the daddy of her new baby Archie.

Meanwhile pensioners Edna and Sandy move in together. No, they’re not in love or lust. She’s been poorly and her finances are in an even worse state.

He’s been turned down for a place in sheltered housing. So what could be more natural than moving in together and pooling their resources – and their pensions. Putting their winter heating allowances together will make all the difference.