Slap happy

AFAMILIAR face returns, if only temporarily, to East- Enders and she doesn’t get a very warm welcome. Fill the Fug’s former moll Lisa gets a slap round the chops from his mum, pintsized Peggy, Queen of the Vic.

The Mitchell matriarch is miffed after a row with Fill that ended with the off-thewagon alcoholic giving her a black eye. Hitting your mother is the worst thing you can do in EastEnders. Murder, rape, child abuse are excusable, but thumping the woman who gave birth to you is unforgivable.

So Peggy takes umbrage – and granddaughter Louise – and marches round to see Lisa. She’s seen yet again that Fill’s not a fit farva and determines to do something about it.

She sneaks Fill’s daughter Louise out of the Vic and takes her back to her mother.

But first, she has to make Lisa pay for past misdemeanours. Hence the face slap.

Then it’s all kissy, kissy. Peggy wants to do what’s best for the child and knows Fill, being an alcoholic and a violent bully, isn’t the best role model.

So she’s decided that Louise should live with Lisa. That’s Lisa who shot Fill and abducted his child and then dumped the same child in the Square a few months ago.

Once Peggy hears why Lisa did that, she’s more sympathetic to her and the deal is done.

Luckily, Lisa and Louise get out of town quick as Fill, after discovering what’s happened, rushes round there – and it’s not to have a nice, reasoned debate about the child’s future with Lisa.

ITRIED, honestly I tried, to watch Mistresses but it sent me to sleep. This is the series about four female friends that isn’t Sex And The City. Katie, Siobhan, Trish and Shelley are back for a final fourpart series but they don’t look overjoyed at the prospect.

Rarely have so many miserable women been gathered together in one place. Albert Square looks like a comedy festival compared to this opener.

Perhaps that’s why I kept dropping off while watching the preview tape. I wanted lots of nice frocks, good food and wine, and plenty of action in the bedroom – the things we all aspire to in real life (apart from the nice frocks in my case) but rarely get.

Instead, we get the foursome standing around looking like their pet hamster has died. It’s two years since we last saw them and Something Very Serious has happened to break their friendship.

The first thing we see is Katie gazing out of the window of her chic pad looking miserable.

The others arrive one-by-one. No one is smiling and kind words are in short supply too.

Then we get a SIX MONTHS EARLIER caption. Having opted out of the last series I have no idea who is sleeping with whom.

Trish is still into cupcakes, Shelley’s still trying for a baby and Katie’s mother Vivienne (played by Joanna Lumley) has turned up. “You’re supposed to be in Cape Town,” snaps Katie, indicating that relations with her are frosty to say the least.

Later, mother tells daughter: “These things happen all the time and, forgive me darling, they have a habit of happening to you.” Not a lot of sympathy there.

Various males are paraded before the foursome for their perusal. Personally, I’d rather snuggle up with one of Trish’s cupcakes.

They look delicious.

IF you want real life then Police, Camera, Action! is for you. Speeding is the most common offence committed on our roads and one in four road deaths are caused by someone driving too fast.

Tonight’s episode has shocking footage showing the risks people are prepared to take while speeding. This includes an American man reckless enough to climb into the cab of a speeding pick-up truck while being pursued by the police, and a woman caught doing 118mph with a baby in the front seat next to her.