AT the risk of offending my friends battling for custom on the High Street, I decided to do my Christmas shopping on the internet this year.

I’d read a report on the BBC which said that 13.8 per cent of retail sales are online now and that’ll increase to 17.1 per cent by 2020. I wouldn’t mind betting that the vast majority of those internet shoppers are men.

So, with my wife working in blissful ignorance at the opposite end of the dining room table, I was able to secretly browse away at my heart’s content as I searched for jewellery, clothes, books, CDs and DVDs that I thought she might like.

She’d said that we shouldn’t bother buying each other presents this year but every bloke knows that’s dangerous ground and I’m simply not brave enough to take the risk. We all know they don’t mean it.

I went online from the comfort of our dining room. No stress from trying to find somewhere to park in the town centre. No having to brave cold, wet weather. No wasting valuable time in a long queue. No competing with bustling crowds for the best bargains. Just a few clicks on the keyboard and Christmas would be in the bag.

It took me no more than half an hour to make my choices on Amazon and I followed the directions to “proceed to checkout”. It was even easier than usual because a family Amazon account popped up on my laptop, with our bank details already recorded. Naturally, the account was in my wife’s name because shopping’s one of her hobbies, but it allowed me to change her name to mine so that the gifts would be safely delivered to me.

It honestly couldn’t have been easier and I allowed myself a self-satisfied smile as a message appeared on my laptop, declaring: “Thank you for your order.”

The smile was still lingering when I heard my wife’s laptop go “ping” and she looked across the me with a cross face.

“I’ve just had an email, telling me what you’re getting me for Christmas,” she said, with a deep sigh.

“What? How? Why?” I stuttered. “I changed your name to mine when I made the order.”

“Well, you clearly didn’t change the email address, did you?” she replied.

She hasn’t said whether she’s pleased with her presents or not but I’m taking confidence from the fact that she hasn’t told me to cancel the order. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling that I need to get her something extra that she’s not expecting.

I think I’ll just pop to the shops.

PS ON the subject of the difference between males and females, did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in the water?

If it sinks – girl ant. If it floats – buoyant.

Things kids say

MUM of three Karen Westcott, of Middlesbrough, was in the car with her three sons and the family’s dog, Alfie.

Before arriving home, she stopped at the shop and her two eldest jumped out to buy some milk.

While waiting for their return, the dog started to whimper and Ethan, four, piped up: "Alfie, stop crying. Harvey and Joe are just getting bloody sweets!"

Things mums say

MY old friend Paul “Goffy” Gough from BBC Tees was at his daughter Grace's bedside after she underwent an operation to remove her wisdom teeth.

Another fellow parent returned to the ward after discussing her young son's case with the consultant.

“Do you want the good news or the bad news?" the mum said to her son.

“Both," replied the boy.

“You're staying in here another night," she told him.

“What's the good news?" he asked.

"There isn't any,” declared his mum.

Things wives say

I COULD hear my wife talking to someone upstairs.

“Who are you talking to?” I shouted.

“My hair,” came the reply.

MY wife and I were discussing the announcement that Marks & Spencer were going to close 60 stores around the country.

“I think M&S clothes are fine,” I said.

“Yes, but you’re not their target market,” she replied.

“Well, I think I am,” I argued.

“You’re not,” she insisted. “They want younger people – you’re going to die soon.”