AFTER I've finished this, I'm heading straight to Asda.

I've got my heavy-duty bags for life. I've got my credit card.

I'll be making a beeline straight for the pasta aisle, then the tinned goods aisle, where I will sweep the contents of the shelves into my trolley.

Tinned fruit and vegetables will be top of the list to ward off scurvy when our fresh European supplies run out, and lentils for cheap and storable protein.

I'll be stocking up on some European plonk (most essential), olive oil, and anything frozen and foreign I can lay my hands on – but not too much, just in case the National Grid fails us.

When I get home, it'll go in the garage for 57 days, ready for March 29.

I don't have a shotgun to protect our Brexit stockpile, so I've found every Nerf gun in the house (and there are a lot of Nerf guns in our house) and they're fully loaded with their foam bullets, ready to fend off any intruders.

I'll get the kids to spend the weekend booby-trapping the garage, Home Alone-style, while I get the camping stove out and top up on Calor gas in preparation.

If things are looking really bleak, I'm planning on buying a Brexit evacuation kit. Honestly, they exist.

"Perfect in the event of an evacuation. A basic starter kit for living it rough," says the website.

Inside you will find a first aid kit, water purification tablets, a cooking set, mess tins, stove, fuel blocks, water bag, flint, fishing hooks, a thermal blanket and - this is the best bit - a chain saw.

I'm not really stockpiling. I'm nowhere near organised –or hysterical –enough to stockpile anything.

But this is a real question which needs answering. The Government and companies are stockpiling medicine and food in the event of a no-deal Brexit, which is looking almost a certainty. Police are ready for civil unrest.

Surely the Government should be advising is if we do need to stock up on a few extra tins of beans? Or will that cause shortages in itself?

The way some people are talking, we are facing the equivalent of the Zombie apocalypse. But what should we be concerned about?

The website lists almost every eventuality for a no-deal Brexit. It has a special section on it with advice for EU citizens living in the UK and UK citizens in the EU, passport rules, international driving permits, immigration, businesses, farmers and pesticide regulations – but not advice for the ordinary citizen.

I know these things are important and will have a knock-on effect on the rest of us, but I really could do with knowing whether I need to read a Ray Mears survival book and if I should buy a couple of extra packets of Uncle Ben's basmati rice in case my family are going to starve in April.

*My mum fell over and broke her wrist last week. She isn't allowed to drive, is 25 miles away and is struggling to cook. She called last night sounding even more cheesed off.

"What's happened?" I asked, concerned.

"I bought a bottle of wine to cheer myself up," she said. "And I can't get the bloody lid off."