MY wife hardly ever puts a foot wrong. When it comes to all matters involving the home and the kids, she reigns supreme - a shining example of calm efficiency.

So when she does make the occasional mistake, it's well worth making a song and dance about it. And the case of Max's missing shoe was one of those glorious opportunities.

Since my wife returned to work after 15 years of not doing much other than bringing up four children, it has been my onerous responsibility to sort out the kids in the mornings.

It is a daily challenge I meet dutifully and diligently. I get them up, make their breakfast, help them with last-minute homework dramas, shout at them to brush their teeth, ensure they've got their dinner money or packed lunches, see the three older ones out of the door to secondary school, and walk the little 'un up to primary.

At ten to nine the other morning - "it's ten to nine, it's ten to nine" - I discovered that Max, aged eight, only had one shoe.

"Where's the other one?" I asked, starting to panic.

"Well, it's like this, Dad," he began, embarking on a long story about how he and his friend John had got their shoes mixed up after PE. John had gone home with two left shoes and Max had gone home with two right ones.

"We've got exactly the same type of shoes," Dad, he said. "I knew there was something wrong because my foot was starting hurting on the way home."

He went on to explain that Mum had driven round to John's house to give him back his right shoe and pick up Max's left one. "So, Mum must still have it," he said, standing in one shoe and one sock, with the clock hitting five to nine.

I called Mum at work: "Have you got Max's left shoe by any chance?"

"Oh, yes," she exclaimed. "I forgot to get it out of my car - I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry, we all make mistakes," I replied, a warm smugness rising through me as I realised I had a cock-up nicely tucked away in the bank.

I told Max he'd have to wear his trainers for the day, ran him up to school and made it just in time for the whistle.

I confess to feeling rather content with the world as I got home and settled down with a cup of tea and the paper for ten minutes before setting off for work.

It was then that I heard a noise at the top of the stairs. A burglar? I jumped up, ready for action, and saw my 15-year-old coming sleepily down the steps.

"Dad, I've overslept," he said.

Aaagh! Mum had forgotten a shoe. I'd forgotten a whole child. No wake-up call, no breakfast, no brushed teeth, no "Off you go, have a nice day."

"Do you think we should keep this to ourselves?" I suggested as I drove him to school at twenty past nine with a sandwich in his hand.

She still doesn't know...

THE THINGS THEY SAY

INSIDE their beautiful new building - paid for with a remarkable £250,000 fund-raising effort - the members of Normanby Methodist Church Wives' Club, near Middlesbrough, were understandably beaming with pride.

Cynthia Womack, once a teacher down the road at Cromwell Road primary in South Bank, remembered a little girl called Nicola who was suddenly reluctant to come to school. Her mum had tried everything to coax her through the gates but she didn't want to know.

Mrs Womack was summoned to see if she could help: "What's the matter?" she asked Nicola.

"I can't come in," replied the youngster, "Mummy says I've got to have free dinners and I can only eat one."

BERYL Haggath remembered the time long ago when she was at a meeting of the wives' club and the telephone rang at home.

Son Paul - now 41, then eight - answered with the words: "No, sorry, she's not in - she's at the wife-swapping club."

His dad snatched the phone off him rather quickly.

THE THINGS DADS SAY

A GROUP of us dads who regularly play tennis together had gone for a well-earned lads' night-out, finishing in a local restaurant.

The next morning, we were knocking up for a men's doubles and my mate Dave shouted across the net to myself and partner Phil: "Did you both have steak last night?"

"Not me," said Phil, "I was too tired when I got home."

Poor Phil had misheard. He thought the question was: "Did you both have sex last night?"

It begs another question: Would it have been well done or far too rare?

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