EDUCATION standards may be rising but the nation's scholars still have the capacity to make howlers - like the pupil who wrote that the universe began millions of years ago with "little orgasms crawling about".

Or the youngster who wrote that the great West Country novelist Thomas Hardy wrote Tess of the Dormobiles.

County Durham-born former headteacher Vincent Shanley has always seen the funny side of school life.

He has written his second book on the subject, Classic Classroom Clangers, which is published by Robson Books and goes on sale for £6.99 today.

Mr Shanley, originally from Catchgate, near Stanley, and now living at Norton, near Stockton, taught for 30 years and was head of St Michael's Comprehensive, Billingham, for ten years.

He said: "Over the years, I have collected funny and unusual anecdotes from the world of education.

"When I became head of St Michael's in 1985, I began to produce a weekly bulletin for staff and attempted to bring a bit of light relief to Monday mornings by including some of these funny stories.

"The first book Classroom Clangers appeared in 1995 and was a great success.

"Since then, I have collected many more such stories."

He said that although education was a serious subject, as in many solemn and profound areas of life there were occasions for mirth and hilarity.

Mr Shanley added: "The best of us are prone to make mistakes, and most of us have the grace to hold up our hands and join in the laughter often generated."

Other howlers include the girl who arrived home from school and told her mother that her big sister would be late because she had been selected as "prostitute for the netball team".

An exam candidate named a Spanish holiday resort as El Dorado, and a geography student identified tree planting as the way to stop wind damaging crops because a "60ft tree can break wind from 300 yards".

A youngster asked to name a chicken dish with spices came up with "chicken with Harpic" and another listed the Coca Cola bear as a native Australian animal