Good morning children. No, there's no need for you all to shout back, 'Good morning St Tony!' I'm just a regular kinda guy. Sorry headmistress, I take your point that children don't want to hear that sort of slang in school. And I know many schools no longer hold a morning assembly, but look, here comes your uncle Tony to give you one! Notice how I'm standing under a lovely stained-glass window: this is so that my photograph in the newspapers will look pretty. And what's this above my head? Yes, that's right, it's a crucifix: this is so that when you think of all the Bible stories about gentle Jesus, you'll think of me. Now who knows what my election campaign is all about? No Patricia, it's not a pack of lies! Anyone else put their hand up for this one? Yes, the little boy at the back next to the other little boy who's asleep. No, it's not a time to say sorry. Well, Stephen, are you going to tell us what an election campaign is?

"Can you just repeat that, please; I didn't hear. Oh dear, I see - but really there's no need to shout. But it isn't, y'know, a time at the end of four years when the Prime Minister comes to apologise for all the damage his government has done before asking to be allowed to do it all over again. And no, Sandra, it isn't a pack of lies - we've had that answer once from Patricia, and remember what happened to her. Yes, she was sent out, wasn't she? What's that you say, Tom: that there's no need to hold the election for another year? Well OK (Sorry headmistress!) Then, do you think I'd hold an election if there was no need for it? Well, Sheila, what are you trying to tell us - that I'm holding the election now because I know there's going to be a slump in the economy and I'm also under pressure from the French and Germans to bounce us into the single currency. That's not a very nice thing to say about your Prime Minister is it? Ah, you say you were taught to tell the truth on all occasions, so you're not going to be a politician when you grow up.

"Jimmy, why are you crying? We can't have tears on such a happy day as this, can we? Because your grandma had to go into hospital? Well, that's not too bad. My government has spent billions of extra money on the National Health Service and I'm sure your gran received wonderful treatment. But you say she had to wait 18 months for a bed and then what? The place was filthy and she caught some horrible infection and now they won't let her out. Well, let's try not to think of unhappy stories; has anyone some good news for us? David, you say you went to the seaside for your holidays - for a whole fortnight? That's very good news. And do you know why you were able to enjoy such a lovely holiday? It was because of all the extra prosperity created by my government. Good, that's what we want to hear. D'you want to tell us about something that happened on your holiday? Your dad said what? You were in a traffic jam for three hours and your dad said the roads were a bloody disgrace. Oh dear, we don't want to hear any more bad language, do we! And he said what else? He said you wouldn't be able to go on holiday at all next year if the price of petrol kept going up as it is.

Come along Caroline, it's your turn. You say if my government's as good as I say it is why do I want to give away its power to where? Oh Brussels! Well, Caroline, of course I want to do no such thing. You've been listening to some silly gossip. You say, no you haven't: you've been reading the Treaty of Maastricht and the Treaty of Nice and they say I'll be forced to do it. Well, I didn't expect to hear cheek like that this morning!

Aw c'mon (Sorry!) surely someone has something better to say than that! No, well all right let me tell you about some of the good things I'm going to do when I win the election. I'm going to spend lots more money on hospitals and schools and I'm definitely not going to ask your parents to pay any more taxes...No, no. Susan, I'm not called Pinocchio and I've no idea why my nose has started to grow.