MY wife once packed a bag, put the dog on its lead and announced she was leaving home... all because she never thought she'd pass her driving test.

That's how serious life becomes when you're the sweaty-palmed learner wrestling with the rules of the road and a car that has a mind of its own.

So did she have the slightest sympathy for the six personalities featured in the new series Celebrity Driving School (BBC1, Monday & Friday)? Not a chance. Big-mouthed Jade Goody hit the top end of the irritation scale as she bashed off a wing mirror and managed to use the pavement on both sides of the road for a three-point turn (which I thought was now just described as a "turn in the road"). "For goodness sake, get her off," declared the highly-driven member of my household.

Paul O'Grady (better known as Lily Savage) seems about to have a funny turn after failing to out-do Ms Goody and pass the horrendous-looking written section of the driving test. The angelic Gareth Gates also got his licence to appear on my TV set revoked. "I see he's lost his stutter," was the complaint.

Out of the six celebs battling to pass the test on behalf of Comic Relief, only Nadia Sawalha escaped the TV road rage of my co-driver in life. Sawalha was nine months pregnant and expecting a baby at any moment, so she's likely to complete the series driving an ambulance to the maternity unit.

My youngest son is now the proud possessor of a provisional licence and was baffled by the six people, and one instructor, having so much trouble controlling a car. But he hasn't reached the packed bag and dog lead stage yet.

Spoilt Rotten (ITV1, Thursday) proved to be an equally controversial journey, which is what reality TV is all about. We're not interested in a company-owning mother bringing home a bag of sweets for her over-indulged nine-year-old daughter.

Try the most expensive toy she can buy at top shop Hamleys in London. Would she have it done it without the ITV cameras? I suspect not. The defence that she works long hours to be in a position to spoil her daughter with gifts foundered when the child actually wanted a mum who could drop her off at school in the mornings on some occasions - something money can't buy.

The documentary exploded into an exposure of South Bucks mega-bucks earners (I'm proud to be from North Bucks, incidentally) who are splashing out on £5,000-£8,000 themed bedrooms for children. It's all part of a £30 billion industry where you're nobody if you can't afford £240 for a hideous red-fur trimmed baby carrier, £1,100 to buy an eight-year-old a Dolce and Gabbaba coat or £19,000 for a child-sized jeep which can travel at speeds of up to 20mph.

Even the boutique owners confessed that it was insane to pay thousands for something that a child will outgrow in months. I worry about what these children will do when the money runs out as they hit adulthood. My wife's view? "I'd stick pins in the lot of them," she said. Do they sell padlocks for needlework baskets?

Published: 01/03/2003