THERE'S a traffic jam on the road leading back into Soapland as former residents queue to regain entrance.

Bet Gilmore and the McDonalds are hammering on the gates of Weatherfield, but have been overtaken by the father - godfather? - of all soap villains, Dirty Den.

Everyone in Albert Square thought he was roasting in hell after being gunned down by a bunch of deadly daffodils 15 years ago and sinking to the bottom of Walford canal.

Next week in EastEnders (BBC1) he turns up in Angie's Den and gives Sharon the worst shock since Phil Mitchell hit her in the Queen Vic the other day. The raising of Dennis Watts from the dead kicks off a week devoted to him trying to sort out his family problems. If he mixes some of his blood with ex-wife Angie's ashes, he might even be able to resurrect her from the grave, Dracula-style.

First, there's the little matter of the son he didn't know he had - Dirty Den the Second, alias Dennis Rickman. This promises to get complicated as DD2 has finally been to bed with DD1's daughter Sharon (don't worry, she's adopted, so it's not illegal) and DD2, a chip off the old rotten block, has committed murder by killing gang boss Jack Dalton. And, of course, there's DD1's daughter Vicki, whom he'll surely disown on account of her being incredibly irritating.

We can only hope that DD1 and DD2 form an unholy alliance to rid Walford of undesirables, like the woman with the dead cat, and cull the Ferreira family.

Over in Weatherfield, Martin the nurse is hanging around outside the school gates in Coronation Street (ITV1). Fortunately, before he gets arrested, his schoolgirl Katy finishes classes. She's recovered from her self-induced diabetic coma, prompted when dad Terrible Tommy assumed the role of Mr Barratt of Wimpole Street and forbid her from seeing Martin the pervert (as he will now be known).

The nurse must realise he'll never be accepted by the Harris's, mainly because Angela can't say his name properly. It's Mar-tin, dear, not Mar-in. She persuades Mar-in to dump k-k-k-Katy for the sake of everyone concerned, but Katy hasn't been the same since she had her new haircut so it's doubtful if this is the end of the relationship.

Those with delicate stomachs should avoid later in the week when Shell's mum Bev and Oirish barman Ciaran get drunk and move from pulling pints to each other.

Teenager Robert comes a cropper in Emmerdale (ITV1) when he crashes his car. Losing his licence doesn't appeal, so he moves unconscious Elaine from the passenger to the driver's seat. He reckons she can take all the blame. What a gent.

Ollie is off to university, unless boyfriend Danny can persuade her to change her mind. Think about it: dopey Danny or a good education. It's no contest, although he seems to think that proposing marriage will be enough to keep her with him.

Published: 25/09/2003