THOSE luscious lips, that tanned body and artfully tousled blond hair prove too much for Todd Grimshaw in Coronation Street (ITV1).

He can't resist any longer. He puckers up and plants a great big smacker on the mouth of his girlfriend's brother Nick (I'm too sexy for my shirt) Tilsley.

This is not the sort of behaviour you expect in Weatherfield. Serial killers, yes. Gay boys, no.

The matter is complicated as Nick is not a willing recipient of Todd's amorous advances and insists on telling his kisser's live-in love, schoolgirl mum Sarah. She puts her bags under one arms and her infant under the other, and declares her intention of moving out now that Todd has apparently come out. Poor Todd is very confused. Is he straight? Is he gay? Is he going to end us as the third Mrs Peter Barlow? Expect much furrowing of the brow and beating of the breast until he decides why way to turn, sexually speaking.

Whatever you do Todd, don't get married. Look at the trouble it's caused Peter (Two Wives) Barlow as both Mrs Barlows continue to exact revenge. Karen, meanwhile, is preparing a bit of a do when she weds ex-husband Steve again.

The Croppers, Hayley and Roy, are desperate to make an announcement about the baby - you remember, the one that Tracy conceived (allegedly) with Roy after putting date rape drug in his champagne. He should have stuck to pints.

Hard to believe, but the return of Dirty Den in EastEnders (BBC1) has done nothing to shut up Shirley - the woman with the dead cat - and her constant harping on about the neighbour from hell. The sooner he cuts her up into little pieces and hides them under the floorboards, the better. Then we can concentrate on the increasing hostility between the Watts and the Mitchell clans.

Dirty Den's return from the dead means he's up against bully boy Phil Mitchell for control of the Square. The fly in the ointment could be Lisa, who's learning to shoot a gun so the next time she takes a potshot at ex-lover Phil she won't miss. Either that, or she's rehearsing for Walford Operatic Society's production of Annie Get Your Gun.

Barry the most boring man in soap receives his divorce papers, although why wife Nat didn't take the Lisa route and shoot him months ago, I don't know.

Charity is behind bars in Emmerdale (ITV1) because no one will believe her story that dead husband Chris framed her for his murder. She's supposed to have poisoned his champagne, an increasingly popular beverage in soaps what with Chris and Roy Cropper drinking it.

Young Robert is growing anxious, as well he might because Elaine is getting better and could spill the beans about the accident that put her in hospital - revealing Robert was driving and moved her unconscious body to the driver's seat to escape the blame.

Andy receives a surprise visitor. This usually means a long-lost relative or, in this case, a boy claiming to be his brother. The intruder is called Daz which means either he has malicious parents (they'd have to be to give him a name like that) or ITV has relaxed the rules covering product placement. If he gets a job in the launderette, we'll know the latter is true.

Published: 02/10/2003