THE way to a man's heart is not through his stomach but through stripping together. Wallpaper stripping, that is. And painting. There's nothing like the smell of wet gloss to set your pulses racing.

Widower Ashley Peacock dips his brush in the pot of paint called Claire and proposes to her in Coronation Street (ITV1). Hang on a minute, I hear you say, hasn't he done that already on several occasions?.

That's very true but, as this column pointed out last week, Soapland is in the grip of an outbreak of Groundhog Day or a feeling of deja vu, as our friends across the Channel call it. You can't help feeling you've seen it all before, what with Shelley and Charlie's on-off romance coupled with Ciaran and Tracy's on-off romance and Les and Cilla's on-off romance.

Butcher Ashley (butcher refers to his occupation, not his enhanced masculinity) uses a "love challenge" set by his dad Fred Elliott, I say his dad Fred Elliott, to pop the question to nanny Claire (nanny refers to her occupation, not her family relationship to Ashley).

He goes down on one knee, a position normally only adopted in the presence of royalty and Richard and Judy, to ask Claire to be his wife in the middle of the Rovers.

Troublesome Tracy Barlow is hoping for an "I do" from a Mr Walker. She's trying to flog him Ciaran's restaurant behind the back of Penny King who financed the doomed venture.

Weatherfield doesn't need another eatery. Residents are already well catered for by Roy's Rolls and Betty's hotpot. Besides, they only eat food named after someone they know. You haven't lived until you've tasted Liz McDonald's rack of lamb (as in mutton dressed as...) or Emily's dumplings. Dennis Rickman is getting his boxers in a twist in EastEnders (BBC1) over pretend sister Sharon's new boyfriend, James. He does what anyone in Walford does when they're unhappy - he hits someone.

Sharon of the quivering lips confuses matters by telling Dennis that she loves him but can't have children. Round at the Vic, Alfie wants to have a baby. Perhaps he could try getting Dennis pregnant.

Martin and Sonia return home to find Pauline unconscious. They should thank heaven for small mercies, at least she won't be able to continue her infernal nagging. Or her impression of Bob Carolgees and Spit the dog, to whom she bears an uncanny impression since she's taken to carrying around her pet dog.

Pauline's state has been caused by Sarah the stalker, who wants Martin the tallest man in soap all for herself. As long as she puts on an oxygen mask before attempting the climb to reach his lips and kiss him, she'll be fine.

Remember those Hammer horror movies in which the rhubarbing locals, carrying flaming torches, stormed the castle of Dracula or Frankenstein? Now it's happening in Emmerdale (ITV1) where an angry mob smash Pearl's windows because she's harbouring her rapist son Frank. Diane has had her tumour removed but needs chemotherapy. She'll be fine as long as she doesn't let psycho Steph near her sick bed. Steph's doing her best to keep her poor old dad comatose and steal his money. She's already seen off his old girlfriend Shelly. Now she does something even worse - she sells his beloved bike.

Published: 07/10/2004