THE flags are flying at half-mast in Soapland. Dirty Den is dead. Again. Who says lightning never strikes twice? This time a chance of a resurrection are as likely as Dot Cotton running topless through the Square. No-one will miss his lying, cheating ways but the trio of Walford women responsible for his demise are behaving more like the Three Stooges than the Three Witches in EastEnders (BBC1).

The increasingly unhinged Zoe - what else do you expect from a Slater girl? - is getting all tearful. Well, poor thing's been through a lot recently what with getting pregnant by Den in order to keep her mitts on his son Dennis and then having an abortion.

While she's sobbing in the corner, Chrissie the crimper and Sam the former gangster's moll are squabbling over who's going to run the Queen Vic now that their revenge on Dirty Den has gone further than anticipated.

Then Sam receives more bad news. Husband Andy the gangster has been found underneath a flyover, and he wasn't sleeping rough. He was sleeping with the fishes. He has gone to join Dirty Den is soap hell. Andy's death is a blessing in disguise as it means Sam can get her hands back on the house and businesses again. So you see, every cloud has a silver lining.

Layabout and scrounger Keith Miller, Walford's answer to Les Battersby, is looking for a job. No, that's not a printing error. The man who thinks work is a four-letter word gets employment delivering leaflets. Only, of course, he enlists others to deliver them for him. The lazy blighter.

Another week, another fight in Coronation Street (ITV1) and no prizes for guessing that terrible Tommy Harris is the man exercising his fists on someone else's face. The punch bag is Mar-in the nurse, lover of Tommy's teenage daughter Kay-tee.

Tommy sees Mar-in coming out of Silly Sally Webster's house, puts two and two together, and gets five. He reckons Mar-in and Sally are having an affair (little realising that she's actually banging her boss). Anyway, Tommy's answer to this latest revelation is his usual one - he beats Mar-in senseless, which may be an improvement.

I'm afraid we must mention Charlie, the builder with the bulging toolbox, and his girlfriend Shelley. His campaign to undermine her confidence continues and what a good job he's doing in making her submissive. Having discovered that best pal Sunita fiddled the weigh-in to make it look as though Shelley had lost weight, he sets about destroying that friendship.

Charity decides to tell daughter Debbie about the birds and the bees in Emmerdale (ITV1) although it's questionable whether she's wise to illustrate her talk with a video of her and Jimmy King having sex. She's particularly upset as she's secretly pregnant (not by Jimmy, things haven't come to that... yet).

Marriage to Laurel is looking increasingly unlikely for Ashley the vicar. Their engagement is on, then off, then on again, then off. He can't decide whether to leave the church and wed Laurel or stay married to the church.

Mousey Emily has marital woes too as she and Paddy the vet are having a quiet time in the bedroom department (it's called marriage). His attempts to pep up their romantic life end in disaster. It's probably that image of him with his hand up a cow's bottom that puts her off.

Published: 17/02/2005