THE social services in Soapland have long been concerned about the welfare of youngsters like Chesney Brown. Children like him - and we will return to poor Chesney's new plight soon - are the real casualties of life in Coronation Street (ITV1), not terrible Tommy who was deservedly whacked over the head with a wrench by daughter Kay-ee.

The Harris family is truly dysfunctional, notably for an inability to say the letter T which is unfortunate when your daughter is Katy and her lover (whom you are busy framing for killing Tommy) is Martin.

Widow Angela has turned into Lady Macbeth, forever wailing and screaming and trying to dispose of the bloody murder weapon. Son Craig is proving a chip off the old block by following the late Tommy's example and beating Mar-in to a pulp. Everyone else in the Harris family has had a go, so why not the gormless goth?.

Back at the Battersbys, Les and Cilla the slapper are planning a holiday without Chesney. They've left him home alone before and been caught out, so they con Roy and Hayley Cropper into taking care of the lad while they're sunning themselves.

Roy is the pedantic caf owner and Hayley is his sex change bride. Sending Chesney to stay with them is the Weatherfield equivalent of packing him off to spend the weekend at Michael Jackson's ranch. At least, Roy takes an interest in Chesney's education by making sure he does his homework.

Tracy Barlow is another daughter with a paternity case. Ray Langton, the father she never knew, has turned up after 26 years and wants to get to know her and his granddaughter. Tracy tells him to pack his bags until he flashes a wad of notes. The pound signs light up her eyes. "Welcome back, dad, let me hold your wallet for you," she says.

Candice Stowe is putting her boyfriend to the test. Footballer Warren is abstaining from sex in order to win a £100 bet.

Surely that's a piddling amount of money for a soccer player but he's taking it seriously.

This calls for drastic action, Candice decides, and opens her fur coat to reveal she's wearing nothing but a small bikini and stilettos.

She has a red face to go with her cold bum when the rest of Warren's family walk in on her seduction.

Steph and Shelly take a sea trip to resolve their differences in Emmerdale (ITV1). Shelly, you may recall, is unhappy with her beau Alan Turner welcoming his daughter Steph back into the house after trying to kill him. So Shelly's packed her bags and caught a ferry to Spain, as you do in times of stress. Steph tracks her down. The result is handbags at dawn and a fight in which one of them goes overboard. Throw that woman a lifebelt immediately.

Back in Yorkshire, Jimmy gets one over on the Kings (by trumping them with four aces) and Carl finds himself stuck in the middle of the feuding King clan.

Little does he know that his love life's going to get more complicated as Chastity - a girl who was wrongly named at birth - realises she still has feelings for him.

There's a new arrival in EastEnders (BBC1). Well, two actually and they're both wanting to see gangster Johnny Allen. One is his mistress, the other is his teenage daughter and he's determined to keep them apart.

Kareena, of the doomed Ferreira family, catches boyfriend Mickey snogging Stacey. She retaliates by getting in a clinch with Juley. As long as she keeps her hand away from any wrenches, it'll be all right.

Published: ??/??/2004