Malcolm Warne tries out Salvo’s Bistro, in Sedgefield, and struggles with a frosty reception

THERE are certain things that one should be able to taken for granted about a restaurant and chief among those things in winter is that it should be warm.

Now your reviewing team may be getting a bit long in the tooth (speak for yourself says Sylvia) and the circulation isn’t what it used to be, but it still seems reasonable that anywhere setting itself up as a somewhere offering hospitality to the general public should, at very least, provide an environment that doesn’t feel like Siberia turned up to Superfreeze. So it was in Salvo’s Bistro, in Sedgefield, early doors on a midweek evening that we sat, hoping against hope that our waitress would remember our pleading to fire-up the single tea light on our table so we could least warm our hands.

At one point it seemed to be our best chance of any form of heat. As soon as we had been shown to our table at one end of the dining area we noticed the chill and said so. Our waitress, undoubtedly a sweet soul, with a fundamental misunderstanding of what customer service is, agreed with us that it was cold but didn’t seem keen to do anything about it.

Pressed again when we ordered drinks she said we should wait a little while. The heating had just been turned on and we would soon be toastie-warm.

Twenty minutes later as our starters arrived the nearest radiator was as warm as a corpse and further protests brought forth a manageress-type person who gently reminded the waitress that the radiator simply needed turning up, and completely ignored us with no apology offered. Nice.

What else can we say about Salvo’s apart from the fact that it was b***** cold?

Well, it’s sort of Italian. There are lots of pasta and pizza dishes, a couple of risottos, some chicken options, burgers etc. Not exactly innovative but there’s nowt wrong with that provided they do the basics right.

And unfortunately they couldn’t manage that. Calamari is always a good test of a kitchen’s ability and this was failed miserably. My seven squid rings had the dimensions and consistency of lightly braised tap washers. A decent light batter, salad and a not very garlicky mayonnaise could not really save the dish from disaster.

Sylvia had a better experience with her prawn cocktail. Decent, plump prawns in a decent not-too-sweet Marie Rose sauce came with plenty of fresh, shredded lettuce. Perfectly acceptable.

Her main course was in the same mould. This chicken Diavola’s principal attraction was its spicy tomato sauce which was sufficiently hot to persuade Sylvia that it was finally time to take off her top coat. The chicken breast wasn’t very tender, was overcooked and as for taste that didn’t really matter as the sauce masked everything else.

My saltimbocca was simply a travesty. Few places in the UK use thin veal escalopes with sage leaves, but an acceptable alternative is chicken which had been used here. Unfortunately, it had been beaten to within a millimetre of its existential being and then pan-fried until parts were burnt black. It was a tough as shoe leather. I really didn’t think anyone could do that with chicken.

The Parma ham was okay (but then it hadn’t been cooked) as was the Caesar sauce. The chips that came with both main courses were very average. The salad was okay too, but the balsamic dressing was a bit meagre. Both chips and salad arrived a good four to five minutes after the main dishes – with an apology.

We were thoroughly fed up by this point and even George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez on waiting duties would not have tempted us to sample dessert from a menu featuring the usual suspects (sticky toffee pudding, brownie, cheesecake, yawn...).

Up until this point we had dined virtually alone. Two large parties arrived, one a group of mature ladies, who had obviously laid waste to the nearest branch of Edinburgh Woollen Mill such was the range of chunky knits on display. They clearly knew what to expect.

The bill was a puzzle. Salvo’s is dirt, dirt cheap. Happy hour is everlasting throughout the week but we didn’t seem to qualify for the “three courses from £7.95” being charged £9.95 each for the two courses. Not if the food had been barely adequate.

The addition of two small glasses of house wine – rank Pinot Grigio that had been hanging around too long in an opened bottle – brought the total to £27.80.

I can’t say it fills me with joy to inform you that there is another Salvo’s, in Duke Street, Darlington. It may well be warmer.

Salvo’s Bistro Sedgefield

Crosshill Hotel, 1-2 The Square, Sedgefield, TS21 2AB

Tel: 01740-620153

Web: salvosbistro.com

Open: Mon to Sat, noon to 3pm and 5pm until late

Disabled: a couple of steps to the front door

Vegetarian options

Food quality: 3/5

Service: 3/5

Surroundings: 3/5

Value: 3/5