THE road to true love in Soapland is never straightforward, having more bends than the alpine road leading up the Grossglockner in Austria. (36 bends for the statistically minded).

Take Syed and Christian in EastEnders (BBC1). All was going swimmingly for this gay couple after a few hiccups in their relationship. Now along comes Amira, the estranged wife of Syed (who married her while boyfriend Christian soldiered on alone).

And not only Amira. What’s that she’s carrying in her arms? No, not the new Argos catalogue, but baby Yasmin.

This is the daughter that Syed didn’t know he had. She’d have come in handy when his boyfriend, Christian, wanted to adopt a child.

Now Syed wants to do the right thing and be dad to Yasmin, which means lying to Christian. Syed tells him he’s off to see his solicitor when, in fact, he’s going to visit wife and daughter.

There is another rule of Soapland – a lie will always be found out. And Amira will probably do her best to draw it to Christian’s attention because she doesn’t want a divorce. She wants Syed back in her bed.

If it’s not secret babies, it’s secret sex.

Kat Moon knows all about that after her quickie with a delivery man the other night. She feels guilty about betraying Alfie and wants to forget about her special delivery.

Unfortunately Mark – the name of the quickie –turns up at the Vic suggesting that he and Kat continue where they left off. He won’t take no for an answer so to get rid of him she persuades a group of rugby players to take him on a pub crawl.

If it’s not secret babies and secret sex, it’s secret wives. Fireman Paul’s isn’t so secret now in Coronation Street (ITV1).

The new woman in his life, Eileen Grimshaw, has found out that she’s not the only one interested in getting a fireman’s lift. Paul is spotted out with another woman so Eileen rushes round to confront her. What she learns silences even this most gobby of women.

Angst too for Tyrone Dobbs who invites housemate Tina to join him and girlfriend Kirsty for dinner. He’s expecting a romantic night in with a takeaway and he ends up in a threesome.

Some blokes might actually quite enjoy that.

It’s out in Emmerdale (ITV1) too. No, not the sun or even Aaron. But Laurel’s secret – the Rev Ashley’s wife has feelings for another man. Not that there’s been much feeling up each other so far.

She and Marlon the chef have kept their distance, apart from a couple of quick kisses.

But Laurel’s father-in-law Sandy has clocked the pair’s behaviour and knows a romance when he sees one. Can he persuade Laurel to stick with the man with the dog collar and not tuck into the special on chef Marlon’s menu?