ROMANCE in Soapland is never a smooth ride. It’s as bumpy as driving along a potholed road.

At the best of times Fill the Fug in EastEnders (BBC1) isn’t the best boyfriend around. Relationships are more likely to end with an ex shooting him (take a bow, Lisa) than throw the engagement ring back at him.

But Fill has been changed by a neardeath experience. His recent heart attack has turned him into a softie. He gets down on one knee (not advisable considering his delicate condition) and proposes to Shirley. What he proposes is not a quick knee-trembler behind the Queen Vic, but marriage.

Surely Shirley won’t say yes after considering Fill’s previous convictions, maritally speaking. The sharp-tongued woman does indeed give him the brush-off.

Fill’s shattered, but covers his disappointment by taking a different tack –he suggests they break up. I spot a little inconsistency in his behaviour.

One minute he wants to marry her, the next he wants to split with her. Well, he’s always got secret lover Glenda to keep his feet warm on cold nights.

When Shirley confides (not a word that means very much in Soapland) in friends Tanya and Jane, they tell her she’s making a big mistake. Then a drunken remark from Denise sends Shirley back to Fill’s hospital bedside to plump up his pillows and change his drip (or Ricky as we call him).

Surprisingly – it must be the drugs he’s on – he pops the question yet again to Shirley. No, not “can I have a blanket bath” but “will you be my wife”. Don’t say yes, Shirley, you’ll regret it.

Romance is on Rhona’s mind in Emmerdale (ITV1). Not for herself, she’s pregnant and had her fill of loving for the moment. No, she wants to put a spot of lurve in the life of Marlon, her ex and father of the baby she’s expecting, by playing matchmaker.

But who can she fix him up with?

Perhaps elderly Edna, who dotes on her dog and might well enjoy tickling Marlon under his chin and brushing his coat.

But no, Rhona finds a prospective partner for Marlon while having an ultrasound. Nurse Stephanie seems quite taken with him (perhaps she’s heard the chef makes a good hotpot) so Rhona sets about bringing the two of them together.

With Marlon’s disastrous track record with the ladies (chimneys tend to topple on them, that sort of thing), I’d run rapidly in the opposite direction.