AS love rat scumbags go, Lewis Archer is up there with that chap who tried to push Rita under a tram in Blackpool. He’s an escort, a man who takes out women for money, just a gigolo – as those who’ve been following activities in Coronation Street (ITV1) will know.

Now he wants to boost his bank balance with the help of hairdresser Audrey, who’s spent too long under the dryer if she truly thinks Lewis wants her, and not her money.

She’s had the wool pulled over her eyes by the charmer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Nigel Havers. She’s blind to the fact that he wants to get his hands on her cash, not her body.

The pair plan on buying a place in Greece and poor love-struck Audrey goes all weak at the knees (always handy for getting someone flat on their back so you can have your wicked way) every time Lewis appears.

She’s negotiated a £100,000 loan, which is surprising in these financially-difficult times. But that’s not enough for greedy Lewis. He wants more and has his eye on dreary Deirdre.

What is it about her that she has men fluttering around her like flies round a cowpat? Perhaps it’s her perfume – Eau D’Fag, a result of her smoking habit. It only takes the promise of 20 Benson and Hedges to let Lewis nibble her ear, smooch her hand and plant his puckering lips on her quivering oral orifice.

He needs to distract her and, having determined that dropping his trousers would be ungentlemanly and probably counterproductive, he snogs her so he can plant fake betting slips in the till while she’s busy exploring his mouth with her nicotineflavoured tongue.

What Lewis has reckoned without is that intrusive modern invention CCTV. Cameras in the betting shop capture everything in gory detail but not, unfortunately, 3D.

OVER in Walford, Fill the Fug is frettening to fump any flipping fella who dares criticise him. The Mitchell brother is on a downward spiral in EastEnders (BBC1) following the loss of his daughter and the banging up of his son.

Before you can say “cheers”, Fill is drinking to excess. The sometime alcoholic bottles it and the return of Rainie is the final straw. Please don’t Rainie on his parade. Fill’s in a bad enough way without being introduced to drugs, “Hello, my name’s crack cocaine.

Why don’t you have me?”

He and Rainie share the crack and the hits keep coming. At least Fill is happy, unlike his on-off lady friend Surly Shirley. She arrives back at the flat to find Fill and Raine naked and surrounded by empty bottles of booze. That sight is enough to sober anyone up.

Janine appears to be under the influence of something when she asks Ryan to marry her. He’d be husband number three. Her record in the matrimonial department isn’t good. She pushed first husband Barry off a small mountain while the second one dropped dead shortly after signing the register.

ROMANCE too in Emmerdale (ITV1) where the animals take second place when vets Paddy and Rhona are about. For reasons too ludicrous to debate here, Rhona pretends to be Paddy’s girlfriend.

She even gives him a kiss and, surprise, surprise, rather likes it.

This is bad news for Marlon, who doesn’t have the best of luck with women (falling chimneys tend to topple on his true loves) and now faces having Rhona’s attentions being stolen by Paddy.