ONLOOKERS in Soapland have long wondered what’s the secret of Ken Barlow’s success with woman. He’s the Weatherfield sex magnet.

Women are drawn to him like flies at the kebab shop. And he’s old, for goodness sake. Well past the age for qualifying for a bus pass.

But nothing is beyond our Ken.

Even picking up a hot mature chick like Martha, who bears a more than passing resemblance to that Sable from Dynasty and The Colbys.

It isn’t the most romantic of meetings in Coronation Street (ITV1). Ken is out walking the dog (which, come to think of it, sounds like a euphemism for something unsavoury) when Blanche’s pooch, Eccles, takes a dive.

The little mutt should know better than to jump into the canal.

That’s when Martha comes in. No, she doesn’t dive into the murky water and rescue Eccles. She fishes the dog out in a net to Ken’s eternal gratitude. Can you imagine the abuse to which he’d be subjected from Blanche if the dog drowned?

Soon the pair are chatting away on Martha’s barge. Ken finds her a delight to talk to. It’s an intellectual meeting of minds that comes as a relief to Ken who’s fed up with Deirdre’s constant chatter about the weather and the outrageous price of a glass of red wine in the Rovers.

Mad Maria Connor gets behind the wheel of a car and tries to run down Terrible Tony, the man she thinks arranged for her husband Liam to be killed.

That holiday in Malta did her no good at all. Now she’s face down in an airbag after putting her foot down and driving straight at Tony.

She misses and ends up facing a charge of attempted murder. The best laid plans and all that. But now Tony’s other half Carla is getting suspicious. Why, she wonders, won’t he press charges against Mad Maria? And why has Jed miraculously come back from the dead?

The Soapland police have other things to follow up. A bloody-faced David Platt reports rival Gary Windass to the cops after a punchup.

The pair are at odds over Gary’s pursuit of the formerly- Demonic David’s girlfriend Tina.

Gary wants to goad David into throwing the first punch so he can’t be held responsible.

Unfortunately for David, he ends up with a bloody nose but he reckons Gary’s criminal record (by Des O’Connor, I believe) will count against him.

In another part of Soapland prison, Debbie Dingle is languishing after being arrested for the murder of PC Shane Doyle in Emmerdale (ITV1). She’s nicked just as she’s doing a bunk with her lover, the sweet-smelling Jasmine, who manages to escape. So Debbie might have to take the blame for the crime on her own.

Paul Lambert screams blue murder when he discovers that his mother, Val Pollard, has been lying about father Rodney’s heart condition. He’s not a happy bunny.

I wouldn’t mind betting he’ll pack his bags and fly off to Australia for a reconciliation with estranged husband Jonny-Come-Lately.

Over in EastEnders (BBC1), Janine is up to no good again.

She’s miffed that Jack has ruined her plan to take over R&R. Her revenge is swift and unpleasant – she handcuffs him to a radiator and pours petrol over him. The question bothering Jack at this point is a simple one: has she got a light?

Ken Barlow’s not the only one who’s gone dogging. Bradley Branning has found someone to replace estranged wife Stacey – a great big St Bernard called Gumbo. He has to look after the champion canine when its owner goes missing. Perhaps its drooling and dribbling reminds him of his wife.