Terrible Tony

You’re sweet 16 and have your whole life ahead of you.

Unfortunately, you can’t spend it with Tony, your stepmother Beeanchor’s fiance.

There are some things in Soapland that aren’t funny and Terrible Tony is one of them. He is, and let’s not mince our words if not our walk, a child abuser. He’s been sleeping with Whitney since she was 12, promising her that they’ll run away together when she reaches 16.

When he reneges on his promise as he intended all along, she tells all to Bee-anchor, who calls not Rick-eeee but the cops.

More family troubles in Albert Square, this time for new mum Roxy as she sets out to discover who’s the daddy of new baby Amy.

There are two suspects, husband Sleazy Sean or lover Jaunty Jack.

A DNA test will sort out the guilty party, although my guess is that it won’t all come to a head until Christmas Day. Family dramas are as familiar as Father Christmas at that time of year and, besides, family recriminations are so much more entertaining that the Queen’s Speech.

I reckon the Platts can look forward to an unmerry Christmas and unhappy New Year once they realise who’s moved in next door at No 6 in Coronation Street (ITV1).

It’s their worst nightmare, or the Windass family as they’re known on the electoral roll.

Gail Platt and her lot have previous with the Windy Asses.

There was the little problem of their conning her kitchen installer boyfriend out of money, followed by them stealing her kitchen in retaliation for the attack on their cupboards by Demonic David and co.

Trouble for Tyrone of a matrimonial nature. Fiancee Molly wonders if he’s having an affair after discovering that he’s been lying about going to the gym.

One look at the lump will have told her he’s been at the chocolates not the treadmill. He obviously hasn’t been near a bench press for years.

He may not have been knocking off another girl as she suspects but he has been dealing with knockoff stuff in cahoots with enterprising Auntie Pam. But good golly, Miss Molly, that’s no reason to call off the wedding.

Quick, call an ambulance, Lily has collapsed in Emmerdale (ITV1). We all saw it coming as she’s been diagnosed with a brain aneurysm but has been refusing to undergo treatment for the condition.

Now she has no choice after Rodney dials 999 and tells her sister Edna about her illness.

They’ve still got to get Lily to sign the consent form for an operation.

And in case you’re wondering why Lily is sitting up in her hospital bed wearing a feather headdress, it’s because she has a dream about being a carnival queen in Rio.

Others in Emmerdale have something to sing about. The choir is taking part in a choral competition in a bid to save St Mary’s Church from closure.

As choir conductor, Nasty Nicola was supposed to sabotage their efforts so that boyfriend David could buy the church at a knockdown price (from Tyrone probably) for his property portfolio. Doesn’t he know the property market has collapsed?

But Nicola has done the impossible – she’s suddenly developed a conscience and determines, for once in her life, to do the decent thing and help the choir win. Sing Hallelujah.