IF Gordon Ramsay ever visited Walford in search of a decent restaurant he would throw up his arms in despair and scream “Effing hell, what the eff is effing well going effing on in this effing awful place?”.

For Walford boasts no Michelinstarred eateries (although several residents resemble the Michelin man) and a packet of pork scratchings in the Queen Vic is as haute as cuisine gets in EastEnders (BBC1).

There’s hope on the horizon. If you can call Ian Beale hope. This is a man with not a chip, but an entire fish-andchip shop on his shoulder. Fed up with fried food and only just fully recovered from his breakdown (the AA took ages coming to help), Walford’s entrepreneurial answer to Duncan Bannatyne wants to open a new restaurant business. This doesn’t sit well with daughter Lucy, who took over the running of the Beale empire and doesn’t want to return it to her dad.

Besides food businesses don’t have a good track record. Never mind Kaff’s Kaff, which is hardly Starbucks, but the Masoods didn’t have much luck running the Argee Bargee – possibly because no one could take them, or it, seriously with that name.

Undeterred, Ian has secured premises for his new restaurant – the Moon’s ill-fated antiques emporium where the stock was older than Ken Dodd’s jokes. Ian plans to turn this into a fine dining establishment (no sawdust on the floor and knives and forks to eat the food instead of using your hands) with the help of Janine’s money.

This is a turn-round. Remember when Ian gave Janine money – he paid her for sex. Perhaps they should consider opening Walford’s first brothel with hot and cold running nookie in every room.

Over at the Rovers, landlady Steely Stella is still trying to get the place back in shape after that fire in which Sunita died. Small problem – the insurance company won’t cough up for the refurbishment in Coronation Street (ITV1).

Meanwhile, Stella is being pursued by her ex Karl, the very man who set fire to the pub. When he asks Stella to marry him, her daughter, Leanne, is suspicious of Karl’s motives. He might light Stella’s fire in the bedroom, but Leanne doesn’t want him rummaging through her embers.

After selling her share of the betting shop, Leanne does have the money to pay for the Rovers to be done up. She agrees to lend it to Stella on one condition – that she gets rid of Karl.

Kerry and Amy are another mother and daughter with issues. In Emmerdale (ITV1) Amy is developing feelings for her mother’s boyfriend, Handy Andy.

They’ve already kissed (with or without tongues, I can’t say) and Amy is growing fonder of him by the minute. She also knows a secret. That Kerry, an irresponsible a woman as you’re ever likely to find, has been leaving Andy’s kids home alone.

Naughty, naughty.

Steve Pratt