April 4, 2008

11:02am Friday 4th April 2008

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IT IS said that an expert is someone who learns more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

Perhaps that explains how the panel passing judgement on the late tackle which poleaxed Mathew Tait on Saturday decided that no ban was necessary, while suspending Leicester's Seru Rabeni for 14 weeks.

The Fijian was said to have flicked a hand across the face of an opponent "like a cat lashing out with its paw" and in so doing he made contact with an eye, which suffered from profuse watering.

While it is an unpalatable fact that the disgraceful act of eye gouging has been known to occur in rugby union, it is impossible to imagine how Rabeni's act can conclusively be construed as such and why it merits a 14-week ban while De Wet Barry's red card was rescinded.

It is just about arguable that the former Springbok centre was committed to the tackle when Tait kicked ahead, but the laws do not permit him to fly in with his shoulder without any attempt to use his arms. Newcastle Falcons declined to comment on the panel's judgement, presumably believing it to be beneath contempt.

THERE are also experts in the field of public relations who know how to mock up a good stunt even though it is utterly worthless - apart from giving us all a good laugh. The comic element of Dwain Chambers signing for Castleford Rugby League Club was heightened both by his ignorance of how many players there are in a team and by his insistence that it was no publicity stunt.

It was, in fact, such a blatant example of the latter that it deserved to be ignored.

Radio Five Live wondered whether Chambers would be "up to speed" when, as one of the world's fastest men, speed is the only thing he will be up to. If he ever manages to hit his stride with a rugby ball in his hands and runs into someone like De Wet Barry (there are a few in Rugby League) he will probably break his own record in his dash back to American Football, with the comfort of its padding.

If nothing else, the stunt let us know that Castleford's ground is now known as the Jungle, which might be a little more glamorous than Coaldust Lane or whatever previous name it went under.

But as for Chambers creating a Rumble in the Jungle, I think not.

WHILE we ponder whether Chambers might be a few slices short of a full loaf, much the same could be asked of a different kind of speed merchant, Shoaib Akhtar. By getting himself banned for five years by Pakistan, the world's fastest bowler has ensured he can see out his career earning mega-bucks for little effort in the Indian Premier League. Despite his protests to the contrary, I suspect that will suit him just fine.

The amended nickname of Rawalpindi Rickshaw first appeared in these pages after it was coined by a Durham member during Shoaib's two half seasons at Riverside.

In his first year he made sure he did well enough to be invited back; in his second he was a walking sicknote.

Pakistan's reasons for the ban are barely relevant as over the last few years they could have compiled a dossier of indiscretions the size of War and Peace. The shame of it is that Shoaib in full cry was a genuinely thrilling sight, and he may still be in four-over bursts in Twenty20, knowing that he'll still have enough energy afterwards to chase the latest leggy blonde to catch his eye.

In the face of the threat from Twenty20, the most satisfying element of England's Test series win in New Zealand was that it provided competitive cricket with each game maintaining interest into the fifth day.

That's just what is needed if Test cricket is to survive alongside the slogfest.

THE Tour de France has for years been a sham because of drugs. But so rigorous is the testing of Britain's track cyclists that the management remain confident that further testing will provide an explanation for Rob Hayles' failed blood test. Blood boosting does not carry the stigma of taking drugs, but if he were guilty it would cast a very sad shadow over the magnificent achievement of nine gold medals at the World Championships.

WHILE I have no particular affection for either West Brom or Barnsley I hope they win their FA Cup semi-finals this weekend. After the troubles he has borne so stoically, it would be wonderful for Tony Mowbray to take the Baggies to the final and hopefully one of the club's greatest explayers, Sir Bobby Robson, would be a guest of honour.

If Dickie Bird were granted similar status by Barnsley what a meeting of mouths that would be. Would