An alternative guide to Euro 2016

GROUP A

France

Hosts, so they’ll probably win it. Although, on previous evidence, they’re just as likely to show solidarity for their country’s air-traffic controllers by having a massive huff and going on strike, as was the case at the 2012 World Cup. Lost their star striker because he was blackmailing a team-mate over a sex video. Hard to imagine James Milner doing that.

Romania

Have only ever won one match at a European Championships – and that was against England, so it’s hardly much of an achievement. The home of Dracula, so they’re not very comfortable with crosses. Or with garlic, which might be a bit of a problem given they’re going to be spending the next few weeks in France.

Albania

No, this isn’t a misprint – Albania really are playing in a major tournament. Which makes a change from being one of the few teams England could still score four or five goals against, as was the case a few years ago. Skippered by former Sunderland defender Lorik Cana, who I once interviewed after the Black Cats conceded seven at Chelsea. He had nice hair.

Switzerland

Always seem to be involved at major finals, but never seem to do anything. Except that time they beat Spain, and still went out at the group stage. Their star player plays for Stoke, so he might end up like one of those sub-Saharan athletes who turn up at an Olympics, seek asylum, and never have to go back home.

GROUP B

England

They’re great. No, they’re not, they’re rubbish. No, they’re great again. No, hold on a minute, they’re out. Probably on penalties. Have turned underachievement into an art form, but have at least named a more exciting squad than they usually do. The only side boasting a manager who looks a bit like an owl.

Russia

Hosts of the next World Cup, so the pressure will be on them to perform this time around. Their manager, Leonid Slutsky, was a promising keeper, but had to retire when he injured his knee trying to save a cat from a tree. Don’t like losing, so if things don’t go to plan in their opening game with England, they’ll respond by annexing Marseille.

Wales

Gareth Bale. And ten others. But mainly just Gareth Bale. Haven’t been at a major tournament since 1958 so this will be a bit of a novelty for them. Managed by Chris Coleman, whose nickname is Cookie, so look ready to crumble. Did well in qualifying though, so could be a surprise package. Did I mention Gareth Bale?

Slovakia

Not to be confused with Slovenia, although nobody knows anything about them either. Beat Spain in qualifying, but also lost to Belarus, so God only knows what they’ll be like. I only need two more stickers to complete them in my Panini album though, so if anyone has numbers 225 or 229 in their swaps, give me a shout.

GROUP C

Germany

Never write them off. Apart from in every European Championships since 1996, when they haven’t won. The reigning World Cup winners though, so worthy of a lot of respect. Lost to Ireland in qualifying so it hasn’t been all plain sailing since Brazil, but will almost certainly be there or thereabouts.

Northern Ireland

The most unlikely of all the qualifiers given they were fifth seeds in their group, but profited from the implosion of top seeds Greece under Claudio Ranieri. I wonder what happened to him? Have a keeper who plays for Hamilton, a 39-year-old defender who plays in Melbourne and a striker with Ross County. An eclectic bunch.

Ukraine

Hail from a country in political turmoil, so will hope to use football to create some national unity. Let’s just hope they don’t play Russia in the knock-out rounds. Have unveiled a remarkable new set of strips that feature a bizarre tartan design. So at least Scotland’s football fans will have someone to support.

Poland

Have usurped the now-established Belgium as the ‘dark horses’ that every tournament needs. Boast arguably the best striker in Robert Lewandowski – whose scoring tally is nearly as impressive as the score for his surname in Scrabble. According to Brexit campaigners, two-thirds of the squad are part-time plumbers in Essex.

GROUP D

Spain

The reigning champions, but have lost their way since triumphing at Euro 2012. Still stick to the principles of tiki-taka, which basically means passing, passing and passing some more, before wasting the chance to shoot. Think Arsenal, just with fewer injuries. Boast a horrific pixelated away shirt that is easily the worst at the tournament.

Czech Republic

Made it to the final of Euro 96, mainly thanks to the mystical powers of Karel Poborsky’s ponytail, but have never threatened to match those standards since. Boast the only player with the same name as his nationality thanks to goalkeeper Petr Cech, although it was a close run thing with England almost calling up Sunday League player Dave ‘Full’ English.

Turkey

Generally one of the more unpredictable international teams, having made the semi-finals of Euro 2008 before failing to qualify four years later. Back now though, and will be hoping to live up to their reputation for generally having the players with the longest hair. Managed by someone with the name of Fatih – although it’s not former Leeds boss Steve Evans.

Croatia

Famous for their red-and-white checkboard home shirt, which looks like a cross between a tablecloth and a line-dancing neckerchief. Cotton-Eye Josip Pivaric. Boast some real quality in Luka Modric, Ivan Rakitic and Mario Mandzukic, but the rest of the team tend to let them down. More go down than hoe-down.

GROUP E

Belgium

Have spent the last four years as the hipster’s choice of international team, but like those annoyingly well-tended beards, have slipped out of fashion a bit in the last few years. Boast loads of players you’ll have heard of, because they play in the Premier League, which probably explains why they’re not as good as they think they are.

Republic of Ireland

Top of the morning to you. But probably not top of the group. Made a right dog’s dinner of qualifying, but scraped through in the end. Often praised for having the ‘best fans’ in the world, which usually means the drunkest. Managed by two former Sunderland bosses in Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane so playing in Europe will be a novelty.

Italy

A real ‘tournament side’. Which normally means being dreadful for four years before scraping a couple of messy group wins and a quarter-final victory on penalties, followed by a narrow semi-final defeat. On paper, they’re the poorest they’ve been in years, but as ever, their suits look like being the best on display in France.

Sweden

They’ve got Zlatan Ibrahimovich, and in his mind at least, that’s all that matters. There’s no I in team – but there’s a whopping great big one at the start of Ibrahimovich. Always look good in their bright yellow shirts, and are a television producer’s dream thanks to the handful of blonde female supporters who are shown every ten seconds they play.

GROUP F

Portugal

You might have heard of one of their players – goes by the name of Ronaldo. No, not the fat Brazilian one, although half their team seem to hail from that country, but the perma-tanned Real Madrid star who tends to fall flat in a Portugal shirt. He’ll become his country’s most capped player in France, but has still only passed twice in his international career.

Iceland

The smallest nation ever to have qualified for a major finals, although sadly their team isn’t the works side from the frozen-food supermarket of the same name. Maybe that’s why, this summer, mum has gone to France. Every member of their likely starting side boasts a surname that ends with ‘Son’, meaning for once, the chant ‘Go on my son’ actually works.

Austria

Have steadily risen up the world rankings to the point where, earlier this year, they made it into the top ten for the first time in their history. Mind you, you don’t have to sell many singles to do that anymore. Boast a left-back called Christian Fuchs, so will be the side that the commentators want to avoid this month.

Hungary

The Magical Magyars famously transformed football when they beat England at Wembley. Little did they know back then that every man and his dog would be repeating the trick in the following 50 years. Back on the big stage for the first time since 1986, so they’ll be ‘Hungary’ for success. I’ll get my coat…