HETTON-le-Hole, home of such football greats as Bob Paisley, Harry Potts and Ralph Coates, on occasion also hosts Sunderland’s Under 23s, or development squad or whatever it is that these days they’re called.

In former times they were known as the Reserves, on bad days as the Stiffs, though a lithe detector would now rule out the latter.

Last Saturday, noon kick-off, they entertained Arsenal Under 23s on the former Eppleton CW ground, behind the Swimming Pool and Wellness Centre.

What’s a wellness centre? “A gym,” the elder bairn translates.

Admission’s just £3 adult, £1 concessions, a real bargain. “Haven’t you get nee team sheets?” grumbles the codger in front, ungrammatically.

The gateman looks slightly piqued. “What do want for a pund?” he asks.

Sunderland field three men – Lynden Gooch, Donald Love and George Honeyman – said on the club’s website to be familiar first team faces. Central defender George Brady may not be as well known as his Aunty Karren, West Ham United’s vice-chairman.

An optimistic eye on the following day’s FA Cup final, the Gunners keep their powder much drier, though Ainsley Naitland-Miles reinforces the theory that every Arsenal team must roll out at least one double barrel.

They’re managed by Steve Gatting, neither as well remembered nor as corpulent as his elder brother.

A surprisingly small 320 crowd includes several North-East mayors, among them that of Shildon, Hetton’s first citizen having been given a bunch of free tickets by the club.

The regulars reckon that several of the Sunderland lads will be expected to step up in the Championship next season. One or two of Arsenal’s, notably goalkeeper Hugo Keto, might struggle to get a game on Hackney Marshes.

Arsenal lead after an hour through Donyell Malen, are pegged back when Gooch – a 21-year-old Californian and United States international – beats Keto with the sort of shot of which it used to be said that the keeper could have thrown his cap at it. Come to think, someone still says it.

A few minutes from the end, Sunderland sub Luke Molyneux picks up a clearance in his own half, sees a clear road ahead, accelerates. Keto dithers, contemplates phoning a friend, discovers all that they say about he who hesitates.

It’s the Stiffs’ first win of 2017. Their flexible friends may take encouragement yet.

THEREAFTER to Darlington RA v Whickham, the RA’s genuinely amateur players delighted to have escaped the bottom two in the Ebac Northern League second division.

Game over, as last week’s column noted, club secretary Alan Hamilton has agreed to undergo a complete defoliation – ten years’ beard, three years since a haircut – in an attempt to raise £500 to fix the club’s ageing mower.

Joanne Moss, a hairdresser in the town, approaches her task as might Sir Thomas More’s executioner – perhaps privately sympathetic but knowing that she has a job to do.

Nor might it be said that the condemned man has eaten a hearty meal, though he seems to have enjoyed the pork scratchings.

Alan appears almost to be enjoying it, if not lying back and thinking of England, then at least thinking of Easington (where the team earned a 1-1 draw with the chairman’s 45-year-old son in goal.)

“If definitely makes him look younger,” says Sally, his ever-loyal wife.

And sexier? “No comment,” says Sally.

Alan, a retired regional bank manager, has reached his £500 target and may yet have a few bob left over with which to buy grass seed.

He’s also had one final fund raising idea: he’s putting his comb on eBay.

The Northern Echo:

READY TO PLAY: David Corner, the former Sunderland defender

BETTER known as a BBC Look North presenter and sports reporter, Jeff Brown has written his first play – though it may seem more like a horror story to Sunderland supporters.

“Cornered”, which has its premiere in September, centres around the Norwich City v Sunderland League Cup final in 1985, when the only goal followed fatal dithering by stand-in Roker centre-half David Corner, 18.

“Down the years he’s even been involved in fisticuffs because of it,” says Jeff. “All these years later there are people who don’t remember what he did, they just know he did something.

“He was slightly bemused when I approached him but he quickly took it on board. The Wembley thing was a split second decision, we all make them and get them wrong. He’s very self-deprecating, really.”

Corner, replacing the injured Shaun Elliott for just his fifth first team appearance, eventually scored three goals in 42 Sunderland appearances before helping Darlington to the fourth division title.

“It’s fair to say that his Sunderland career never really recovered from the Wembley experience,” says All the Lads, the book of players’ biographies.

Corner, coming up 51, is a now a detective with Durham Constabulary. Didn’t he groan when Jeff suggested the play? “I didn’t mind at all,” he insists.

“I would like to have had a better legacy but at least I’m remembered for something. There aren’t many local lads who get the chance to represent their home town team at Wembley.”

And the fisticuffs? People do sometimes shout over, maybe get a bit naughty when they’ve had a few drinks, but I’m used to that. I never get tired of it really.”

Jeff, who was at the Norwich match, began an on-line play writing course with Live Theatre in Newcastle in 2011 and vows that he’ll finish it.

Susan Weir, his wife, has already had two plays performed; Alice Stokoe, their 25-year-old daughter – who uses her grandmother’s name – is a talented actress who spent a year as Sophie in Mamma Mia in the West End.

“We saw it 12 times,” says Jeff. “I could have understudied any of the dads.”

“Cornered” – a monologue – will be part of a Sunderland FC double header kicking off at the Customs House in South Shields from September 6-8. A second play, Wise Men Say by Paul Dunn, marks 20 years of the Stadium of Light. The production is then at Durham Gala Theatre on September 8, Washington Arts Centre on September 14 and the revamped Londonderry pub in Sunderland on September 22. Details and nooking at www.crankedanvil.co.uk

LAST week’s column wondered what happened to Alan Spence, a 17-year-old Durham Johnston Grammar School boy when he made his Sunderland debut – Sunderland again – and scorer in a club record seven successive games for Darlington.

The Sunderland bow had been a 7-0 defeat at Blackpool. “Matthews Mortensen the lot,” he recalls. “I didn’t know what day it was.”

He’s 77, lives in Lancashire and also scored 98 for Southport before injury ended his career at 30.

He made just four further Sunderland appearances, went to teacher training college after school, taught in Darlington and hit 11 in 24 games for the Quakers before joining Southport.

“Darlington didn’t really want part-timers and I wanted to teach,” says Alan, a policy which may also have affected team mate Lance Robson, the free scoring dentist.

After managing Lancashire non-league sides, he spent 16 years in Saudi Arabia – “the last job I had was helping lay a 27-hole golf course, grass doesn’t grow in Saudi” – before retiring at 60.

Though seldom back in his native Seaham, he worries equally about Southport and Sunderland. “I suppose I shouldn’t really,” says Alan. “Anything’s better than 7-0.”