ONCE thronged equally, Stanley United’s football ground and Wooley Terrace Methodist Chapel stand sorrowfully side-by-side. Each is abandoned.

“Planning consent for six apartments,” says a sign outside the chapel, harvest festival overgrown by changing times. It’s like what they say at funeral services, about the Father’s house and many mansions.

Once among the nation’s favourites, the forlorn football field was home to the Little House on the Prairie, gutted by fire-raisers. Bought for £1 from CISWO, the coal industry social welfare organisation, the ground was returned when arson and apathy twin-triumphed.

We’re up there on the Last Legs Challenge, in the company of former Stanley stalwart Vince Kirkup, now chairman of Crook Town. Vince recalls spending weeks painting the place during the 1984 miners’ strike – “it was about the only good thing that came out of it” – recalls high days and happy days, remembers the night he was called to the blaze.

“It went up like an oil well,” he says.

We’re joined on the last stage, down the old mineral line to Crook, by local historian Michael Manuel. To the right, he says, is the field where Cromwell’s army camped when regrouping after the Battle of Worcester; to the left is Wren’s Farm, where it’s said that Sir Christopher would come on his holidays.

He can find no proof, believes it nonetheless to be true, reckons that his own cathedral is the hill top bench overlooking his town, from which a splendid panorama enfolds.

If you want a memorial, look around you, as is said more formally of St Paul’s.

We’re down the bank in time for a slow one at the Crook Hotel, newly refurbished by Cameron’s Brewery and known thereabouts simply as The Crook. On the wall there’s a wonderful montage depicting Crook Town’s glorious history, behind the bar – on Wednesdays, which it happens to be – real ale for £1.95 a pint. You can’t be robbed by The Crook.

GRASS rooting, Harvey Harris reports from the Durham Alliance League match between Seaham New Westlea and Coundon and Leeholme, the visitors leading 13-0 at half-time and 20-0 after 75 minutes. “The Seaham goalie was making his debut and was absolutely brilliant,” says Harvey. After 75 minutes, the ref blew for time. “Euthanasia,” he adds. “It was the worst game I’ve seen in my life.”

LITTLE less prolific, our rejuvenated old friends at Darlington Travellers Rest (nee College Students; Union, formerly Greyhound etc etc) put ten past Crook Town Wanderers on Saturday to maintain their 100 per cent start to the season.

Another old friend, the referee was 81-year-old Mick Henderson. “He was in good form, waving away any dissent and claiming to have 20/20 vision and perfect hearing,” says Travellers secretary Alan Smith.

Unlucky for some, the ageless Mr Henderson also disallowed a further three goals for the victors.

TOM Stafford is but a bairn of 68, still keeps wicket for Yarm in the NYSD and for Yorkshire Over 60s, who lost to Somerset in the county final.

Yarm escaped relegation thanks to some gallant end-of-season performances which included Tom’s four not out. “I ran out of partners again,” he says.

What the man with the WD40 knees really wants is mention of Yarm’s end of season dinner, this Saturday at Eaglescliffe Golf Club and featuring former Premiership referee Jeff Winter and Durham comedian/impressionist Josh Daniels. Tickets are £30; John Towell’s on 07899 806428.

THE Sunday Times sent someone to Darlington economically to write about the Festival of Thrift, the Sunday Telegraph despatched a sports writer – driven round by council leader Bill Dixon, no less – to assess the provincial impact of the Rugby World Cup.

He was impressed by the “handsome” market square and by the covered market – “several dozen sorts of pie” – less so by the town hall. “One of the ugliest public buildings anywhere in the western world,” wrote Jonathan Liew at the weekend.

Then there was the pervading pong – “a strange aroma as soon as you step off the train.”

They told me that it was muck spreading on fields just outside the town. They probably didn’t tell him that the cattle market is 100 yards from the station.

THE new issue of FC Business magazine has a column by Mark Bradley, an East Stanley lad (“tough streets named after whimsical poets”) who founded the Fan Experience Company. His own formative experiences were at Roker Park – now only avoiding Match of the Day, he says, on the occasions that Sunderland have lost. “It means I hardly see it at all.”

….and finally, that none knew the answer to last week’s question was unsurprising, but it’s intriguing, nonetheless. What links Falkirk and River Plate is that they are the only clubs outside England, Italy or Spain to have paid a world record fee for a footballer.

River Plate signed Bernabe Ferreyra from Tigre for £23,000 in 1932. A decade earlier, Falkirk paid West Ham £5,000 for the more prosaically named Syd Puddefoot.

Consett FC’s programme notes the disappearance of one-club men, offers a list of 25 and invites their clubs. Among those with a loyalty card are Gerry Byrne, Franco Baresi, Kenny Jackett, Paul Lake and Bobby Gurney. Readers are invited to name the clubs to which they were singly devoted.

Answers when the column returns in a fortnight.