MATLOCK is a former spa town in the Peak District of Derbyshire, a hydrotherapeutic haven to which thousands would flock to take the waters, which itself remains prone to flooding and is reckoned the smallest place in Britain to have two bus stations.

Darlington, getting on ten times the size, has a bus.

Nearby visitor attractions include Gulliver’s Kingdom, the Heights of Abraham and the Crich Tramway Museum. Darlington hadn’t such public transport problems when it ran on similar lines.

Last Saturday, at any rate, Matlock Town played Whitley Bay in the FA Cup first qualifying round (which, further to confuse matters, is actually the third.)

Though Whitley Bay are more familiar with the national stadium than any non-league club in the land, this should not be confused with the Railroad to Wembley.

That’s the FA Vase. Besides, homeward from holiday, we travelled eastwards by car.

A FAIRGROUND makes merry in the park opposite the ground, its bridge posts recording high water marks sufficient to submerge the super waltzer and to float the hook-a-duck.

In the pub, the music machine’s playing The Times They Are A-changing; Bob Dylan. “Come gather round people wherever you roam, and admit that the water’s around your head grown.”

The lady of this house thinks that Matlock has changed, too. “It used to be all junk shops, now they claim to be selling antiques,” she says.

A large number of flags decorate the town centre, though whether to celebrate the catch-a-glimpse passing of the Tour of Britain cycle race the day previously or the election of Mr Jeremy Corbyn that morning cannot for certain be stated.

The town’s on the River Derwent, one of four English rivers to carry along that name. Another marks the northern fastness of Co Durham, a third flows across North Yorkshire from Fylingdales Moor and a fourth’s in the Lakes, as if they hadn’t water everywhere as it was.

It’s also home to county, district and town council headquarters, ranged in descending order on the same steep street like the class-classic sketch of Corbett, Cleese and Barker.

Matlock’s most recent claim to fame, however, lies with Don Hale, campaigning former editor of the Matlock Mercury who 15 years ago fought successfully to overturn the conviction for murder of an educationally limited 17-year-old in the nearby town of Bakewell.

Hale, a former professional footballer with York City among others, was awarded the OBE, named The Observer’s person of the year and UK journalist of the year, though there were those who took exception to his habit of referring to the unfortunate victim as The Bakewell Tart.

He’s now moved on, fought further fights, written books on everything from the record-breaking Mallard steam locomotive to the life and times of Joe Cocker.

The Mercury is high in the paper shop but next to it, more surprisingly, sits a stack of Whitby Gazettes.

The assistant says she has no idea what they’re doing there, either, but since Matlock may be one of those places pretty equidistant from both coastlines, it seems a bit fish out of water, that’s all.

MATLOCK Town play at the Autoworld Arena – formerly the Reynolds Arena, honest – a most attractive football ground. High behind the far goal rises a handsome edifice that could be Gulliver’s Kingdom, could be the Heights of Abraham or may simply be a common or garden castle.

Whatever it is, there aren’t a lot of them around the Ebac Northern League.

Matlock, known inexplicably as The Gladiators, are in the premier division of the Evo Stik League, nominally two rungs further up football’s shoogly ladder. In the shadow of Gulliver’s Kingdom, Whitley Bay fancy a bit of giant-killing.

Assistant manager Paul Johnson, formerly with Team Northumbria, trots across to commiserate about the broken arm and to recount fractured relationships of his own.

Keeping goal in a kickabout, Paul so seriously smashed his arm that it required four operations, a steel rod and 18 months out of action. Mine seems a lucky break by comparison.

An even game tilts towards the visitors when Matlock sub Nicky Travis, seven minutes on the pitch, is sent for an appropriately early bath for wanton misuse of the elbow.

Still neither defence proves porous. Tuesday, replay, had coincidentally already been earmarked as the day of the Last Legs Challenge stage to Whitley Bay. In Matlock, meanwhile, they still have International Talk Like A Pirate Day to which to look forward, this Saturday.

TUESDAY’S walk was from Newcastle Central Station to Whitley Bay’s Hillheads ground – the 13-miler enjoyable, the match forever indelible.

Much of the route was along the leafy Hadrian’s Way cycle path, seemingly far from Newcastle’s urban anxiousness, past Walker and Wallsend and on to Willington Quay.

Wallsend’s precisely that, Roman remains still evident. Retired primary school teacher Julian Tyley, another of the walkers, recalls telling a class of ten-year-olds all about the Romans and finding a usually lacklustre lad uncommonly gripped.

“Please sir,” said he, “when I grow up I want to be a Roman, too.”

A couple of miles to go, there’s a pint with Whitley Bay chairman Paul McIlduff – for whom the night is only just beginning.

Star striker Adam Shanks is booked on a Wednesday dawning flight from Manchester to Las Vegas. Stakes high, the chairman has offered to drive him to Manchester immediately afterwards, if only he’ll play in the match. “It’s what chairmen do,” says Paul.

It’s a 7.45 kick-off. Five minutes later, Shanks puts the Ebac Northern League side ahead. At half-time it’s 2-0, after an hour Whitley are down to nine men – one of them the bad-bet Mr Shanks, second yellow for kicking the ball away.

The Gladiators encamp like centurions on a club trip; at full-time it’s 2-2. Early into extra-time Matlock, inevitably, score again. In added time of extra-time, goalkeeper augmenting the fervid forward line, the nine men equalise through Chris Reed and win the penalty shoot-out 4-2.

The game ends at 10.25pm. The club chairman faces a seven-hour round trip and has a meeting back on Tyneside at nine o’clock the following morning.

There’s going to be an awfully interesting conversation on the road to Manchester Airport.

THE Last Legs Challenge had further hirpled, if indeed a broken arm may be said to be limp-inducing,

on September 5. We stomped from North Shields to Bedlington Terriers, via the site of North Shields FC’s much loved former Appleby Park home – where once they filmed Supergran – and the regionally renowned Bates Cottages Cricket Club, in Seaton Delaval.

In Seaton Delaval, we’re overtaken by a bus bearing the legend “Service 6: Durham-Spennymoor-Bishop Auckland-West Auckland” and on the outskirts of Blyth, beauteous Blyth, there’s a sign to a new housing estate called Wensleydale Park.

And they thought it was us walkers who were sometimes a little disoriented. Anyone spotted a bus more greatly uprouted than that?