THE Oldie magazine, required reading these days, has a lengthy piece lamenting the demise of star sports writers – “once regarded as the air aces of the circulation war.”

It gets yet more worrying. “In football,” writes Matthew Engel, “critics are regularly banned by disgruntled owners and managers; a journalist who hasn’t been banned from Newcastle United’s ground probably isn’t doing his job.”

I’m doomed.

A TWO-PENNY programme from one of English football’s most embarrassing afternoons – played out at Ayresome Park, Middlesbrough – went on sale at the weekend at £2,000. It failed to reach the reserve.

It was February 14 1914, talk now if not then of Valentine’s Day massacre. Ireland won 3-0 in front of a 27,439 crowd paying £1,249.

“England’s amazing rout in historic international,” said one of the Echo headlines. “Triumph of national ardour,” said another. “Erimus” thought the “stupendous” victory the high point of Ireland’s international football career – and the low point of England’s, though his qualification became familiar.

“It is not infrequently that the flower of English chivalry has been destroyed by ingenious and truer spirited opponents,” he wrote.

Many spectators were said to be furious; the splendidly by-lined Will Watch thought it an over-reaction. “The wild, disgusted vilification of the defeated team was intensely foolish,” he observed.

The auction took place in Suffolk. “The vendor may have set the price a little high,” says a spokesman.

NO INTERNATIONAL breaks on February 14 1914, of course. Boro lost 2-1 at West Bromwich, Sunderland and Newcastle had 1-0 wins over Derby and Chelsea respectively and in the North Eastern League, Irvine Thornley hit five in South Shields’ 11-4 win over Gateshead.

In the FA Amateur Cup, Crook Town lost 3-2 at Clapton – the ground inexplicably known as The Spotted Dog – but Stockton beat Oxford City and Bishop Auckland thrashed Leytonstone 5-1.

The Bishops went on to become the first club to win the trophy three times.

A TRIFLE more than twopence but still a Christmas bargain, the Northern League has saved some copies of Northern Conquest – the acclaimed 125th anniversary book – for the festive season. It’s just £4.

Better yet, the league is offering for just £6 – plus £2 38 postage – a set of anniversary publications which includes the book, programmes from the 125th anniversary match and from the League Cup final at St James’ Park, lunch and dinner booklets, the orders of service from the memorial at Charles Samuel Craven’s graveside in Surrey and from the anniversary service in Elvet Methodist Church in Durham.

All seven are beautifully produced, full colour and in mint condition. Details from my email above. Cheques should ne made payable to the Northern Football League and sent to me at 8 Oakfields, Middleton Tyas, Richmond, North Yorks DL10 6SD.

MANGLED fingers in all manner of pies, familiar former wicket keeper Dave Morrison pitched up in last week’s column as part of his contribution to medical science.

This week he’s in Barbados, where he’s been reunited over a few whiskies with former rival Desmond Haynes.

While in his test cricket pomp in the early 1980s, Haynes spent two summers with Blackhall, on the Durham coast, in the NYSD League. “We had our moments,” admits Fingers. “He spent an awfully long time at the crease and I spent an awfully long time behind the stumps, waiting for a false move. They didn’t often come.”

Haynes, now 58, formed a formidable opening partnership with Gordon Greenidge, averaging 42.29 in 116 tests. He’s also one of only two men – Dennis Amiss the other– to have hit a century in his first and his last one day internationals.

He became a government senator and is now chairman of the West Indies Cricket Board but in 1993 made headlines for altogether different reasons when a Barbados hotel manager – a former British naval commander – publicly claimed that Haynes had been flirting with his receptionist.

The claim was universally denied, the manager banished from the island and an enterprising news editor – which, come to think, must have been me – sent a reporter to Blackhall to gauge local reaction.

“The perfect gentleman, everyone in the village knows it,” said his former landlady. In particular, the miners loved him.

Fingers Morrison – formerly with Darlington, Darlington RA, Richmond and Northallerton – has made his peace, too. “Lovely lad, Des,” he insists. Dave’s the one in the lemon trousers.

….AND FINALLY, last week’s column sought the name of the current Sunderland squad member who has played Premiership football for Newcastle United. It should have said Championship football, the answer Patrick van Aanholt.

Martin Birtle today seeks the identity of the cricketer who in 2003 took ten wickets in an Ashes test match and was never picked for his country again.

First pick, the column returns next week.