June 2017

Howdy folks. I’ll not lie, times are tough after last month’s demotion from the Premier League, and I’m looking to sell up. Sadly, it’s not proving that easy.

I’ve been having some talks with some real nice folks from Germany, but they’re not going to work out. It was all going so well – you can do anything on Skype nowadays – but it started getting a bit sticky when we got down to cents and dollars. Or pounds. Or Euros. Or whatever the hell it is you crazy guys use over there.

Anyway, they started putting forward all these clauses about when I would get my money, so I thought I’d throw in one of my own. “I’ll write off half the debt I’m owed if you’re in charge of Sunderland and they win the World Series,” I said.

“The World Series?” they replied. “Yeah,” I said. “The World Series – that competition in Russia next summer.” “Oh, you mean the World Cup,” they said. “Well I’m afraid it’s impossible for Sunderland to win that.”

Well, that was it for me. I’m not selling up to anyone who doesn’t share my sense of ambition. You’d never catch me saying Sunderland can’t be World Series champions. Go Black Cats!


July 2017

I’m staying in charge, so we need a new coach. Martin Bain rang me to say he’d come up with a real neat guy. Derek McInnes, or ‘Big Mac’ as I said I’d call him.

Anyway, I told him to get in touch with ‘Big Mac’ and get him down to Sunderland pronto. “There’s a problem,” said Martin. “He’s settled up in Scotland and doesn’t want to leave.”

“Don’t worry,” I told him. “I’ve got the perfect solution. Why don’t we just move the franchise up to Scotland? Get rid of the red-and-white shirts, much too dull, and go for a new tartan design. And while we’re at it, we’ll change the franchise name to the Sunderland Saltires. He can be manager, and all the soccer fans over here will go mad for souvenir-edition shortbread.”

Apparently, you’re not allowed to do that though. Something to do with FA rules. Come on guys – where’s the blue-sky thinking? It’s no wonder so many soccer clubs are in debt if you’re not prepared to embrace new ideas. THINK BIG.


November 2017

Jees, this demotion hasn’t made things any easier. I checked our results on the web yesterday and apparently we let in a late goal shot to draw with the Bolton White Shirts. I rang Martin and told him enough was enough.

He’s had to fire Simon Mason. Or Grayson. Whatever. Either way, that head coach is outta there. Martin asked if I wanted to speak to Simon Mason in person, but I told him he could do the firing. After all, it’s not as if he hasn’t had enough practice.

Anyway, that means we need another new boss. Martin suggested a real neat guy called Chris the Coalman. “Good thinking,” I said. “Employ a coalman and play on Sunderland’s industrial heritage. The Netflix guys will love that.”

Apparently, his name is actually Chris Coleman though, and he did some real good stuff in charge of Wales, which I’m told is a little town in the west of England. They did real good in the Championship last summer, and that was when it was the Euro Championship for the whole of Europe. We’re in the Championship that’s just for places in England, so he’ll find it real easy.


January 2018

What is it with you guys and the draft system? Over here, in real football, we have one draft at the start of the season and that’s it. Over there, I’m told there’s two soccer drafts – one in the summer and one in January.

Well, it turns out Chris the Coalman says he hasn’t got enough players and he needs to make some new signings. “What the hell for?” I ask Martin. “We were already demoted, so it’s not as if we can go down any more.”

Apparently we can though. Apparently, we can have a double demotion and drop into something called ‘League One’. “So League One’s above the Premier League?” I ask. Apparently, it isn’t.

I ask Martin what playing in League One would mean, and he explains what our annual income would be in that division. Goddam, I’ve got suits worth more than that.

Still, I tell Martin there’s no more cash, but he says other teams can lend us their players. Neat. Turns out one of our neighbours, Steve Gibson, is willing to give us his goal shooter. What a nice guy. If Sunderland can’t win anything this season, I’ll definitely be cheering on the Middlesbrough Red Shirts.


March 2018

I really feel what you diehard Black Catters must be going through. Every Saturday at the minute, I seem to switch on my phone to check the score and it’s one bad result after another.

We’re losing to franchises I’ve never even heard of. Aston Vanilla beat us three to zip, and they sound like a Ben and Jerry’s flavour. Then in our next game at our home arena, we lost two to zip to the Preston North Enders. Those guys don’t even represent the whole of Preston.

It’s getting so bad, I’ve even stopped wearing my red-and-white tie to business meetings because I’m worried it’ll bring me bad luck. I knew I shouldn’t have caved in on the tartan.


April 2018

So that’s that then. It was an early start to watch the match against the Burton Brewers, but it was worth it because I knew it was a real big game. I love it how you guys in the stadium sing to ask me if I’m watching. Well guess what, I sure am!

Anyway, I was cheering along with you when Paddy McNair did a real good goal shot to put us in the lead, but unfortunately the Burton Brewers levelled it at the ones just before overtime.

It got worse when they scored another goal shot past netminder Steele, and even though I thought we’d levelled at the twos in the very last second, the umpire blew for an arm infringement. That sucked.

The phone started ringing a couple of minutes later, and Martin confirmed we’d blown out with a double demotion. That sucked even more.

“So apart from the money, what does that mean?” I asked. “Well, it means we’ll be playing against teams you’ll definitely not have heard of,” he said. “Fleetwood, Swindon, Accrington Stanley.”

“Accrington Stanley?” I asked. “Who are they?” “Not you as well,” said Martin. “You can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that already.”

I laughed along, but had no idea what he meant. So I googled those Acrobat Stanley guys, and it turns out it’s got something to do with them drinking a lot of milk. You zany Brits. I don’t think I’ll ever get your sense of humour.

* The authenticity of Ellis Short's Secret Diary is still to be confirmed.