SCOTT Wilson takes a sideways look at the saga that is Newcastle United.

CHANNEL FOUR SCRIPT DEPARTMENT

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

SCENE ONE

Phil and Kirsty: “Welcome to another edition of Location, Location, Location. This week, we’re in London with a financier called Amanda. Amanda lives in a lovely apartment overlooking Hyde Park, but she’s been looking to move north for a few years now. She put in an offer for a place in Liverpool a little while ago, but wasn’t able to agree a deal.

"A problem with the previous owners I think. But anyway, she’s got her eye on somewhere in Newcastle and she’s asked us to help her sort out a sale.

"It’s a lovely spot. It used to be one of the best houses in the country, but it’s seen better days and it’s in need of a bit of love and attention to turn it back around. One not-so-careful owner. Let’s head up there and see what we can do.”


SCENE TWO

Phil and Kirsty: “Hi, we’ve made it up to Newcastle, and we’re here with Mike. Now, Mike, we understand you’re looking to sell up.”

Mike: “That’s right. I’ve done what I can with the place, but it’s just getting a bit too much for me. Back when I first bought it, I thought I could make it the match of any of those big houses you see in London or Manchester or Liverpool.

"But then all these oil tycoons started doing up pads in the rest of the country, and I just can’t compete. They’re spending millions on a new conservatory, I’m having to scratch around to scrape together a few pennies to pay the electric. I need to get out.”

Phil and Kirsty: “Well, Mike, this might just be your lucky day. We’ve found Amanda, and she’s someone who would love to take your house off your hands, but what’s your asking price?”

Mike: “Make me an offer. I’m a businessman you know.”

Phil and Kirsty: “But Amanda needs to have some sort of idea of what you want?”

Mike: “Think of a number. Double it. Add three, subtract seven, and then multiply by 25.”

Phil and Kirsty: “That doesn’t make any sense at all.”

Mike: “Well, that’s what Dennis Wise did to sign Xisco. Okay, I tell you what. Let’s say £350,000. Oh, and by the way, do you want to buy some sport socks?”


SCENE THREE

Phil and Kirsty: “Right, we’re back here with Amanda, and the good news is that Mike wants to sell. So Amanda, what’s your budget for this?”

Amanda: “I only have to make a telephone call, and I can put my hands on £3.6bn worth of capital.”

Phil and Kirsty: “So that’s your budget? Well, that shouldn’t be a problem, Mike’s only wanting £350,000.”

Amanda: “I tried to buy Liverpool you know. The money was there for that. Did I say I can get my hands on £3.6bn worth of capital with a single phone call?”

Phil and Kirsty: “So what are we bidding then?”

Amanda: “£350,000. But with some caveats. £50,000 of that is dependent on the house having really nice curtains.  And another £50,000 will only be due if there are magic fairies in the garden. Oh, and I want £50,000 back if I don’t like the colour scheme in the downstairs toilet. That seems fair.”


SCENE FOUR

Mike: “I’m going to keep this short and sweet, Phil and Kirsty. Tell Amanda to stick her bid right up her…..”


SCENE FIVE

Phil and Kirsty: “Right, Amanda. I think we can safely say your opening offer wasn’t accepted. Don’t worry though, that’s not unusual. It can often take a bit of negotiating to buy or sell a house.

"In this scenario, we often recommend that a buyer and a seller meet face to face. That way you can get really get down to the nitty-gritty of agreeing a price. Do you think you’d be prepared to do that?”

Amanda: “I don’t see why not. Is Mike ever in London?”

Phil and Kirsty: “Funnily enough, he’s going to be having a curry in London tonight. Doesn’t like eating out in Newcastle apparently. Only doner kebabs in the Bigg Market, and that was years ago. Should we set up a meeting?”

Amanda: “Okay. But no matter how many times he asks me, I’m not having a Jagerbomb.”


SCENE SIX

Phil and Kirsty: “How did that go then?”

Amanda: “Well, I have to admit I’ve had better nights. The curry was dreadful, and I know you say Mike is a businessman, but it sounded like he was some sort of a magician to me. He was speaking to someone called Lee on his phone all night.

"I couldn’t quite understand it, but he was talking about giving some money to someone called Rafa, and then making it magically disappear. Something about a vanishing transfer fund, I didn’t understand it. Anyway, he was adamant he wasn’t going to accept my offer. Said there had to be no hidden clauses if he was going to do a deal.”

Phil and Kirsty: “So, there were are then. If we ring him back, say there’s no clauses, and then bid £350,000, we’ll have a deal. So should we make the call?”

Amanda: “Yes.”

Phil and Kirsty: “No clauses?”

Amanda: “No clauses.”

Phil and Kirsty: “A straight £350,000 to buy the house.”

Amanda: “A straight £250,000 to buy the house.”

Phil and Kirsty: “That’s not what we said Amanda.”

Amanda: “Ah, right.”


SCENE SEVEN

Mike: “I’m going to keep this short and sweet again, Phil and Kirsty. Tell Amanda to stick her bid right up her….Oh, and by the way, she still owes me for a pickle tray.”


SCENE EIGHT

Phil and Kirsty: “So, two-and-a-half months have passed since we last spoke to Amanda and Mike, and we’ve come back to Amanda’s London flat to see what happened in the end. I have to admit Amanda, this looks very much like it did when we were last here.”

Amanda: “Yes, Phil and Kirsty. Well, unfortunately, the move didn’t happen.”

Phil and Kirsty: “So did you increase your offer of £250,000 after it was rejected.”

Amanda: “No. We didn’t hear back from Mike. But the bid is still on the table. Well, kind of. Did I tell you I can get my hands on £3.6bn worth of capital…”


SCENE NINE

Phil and Kirsty: “We’ve also travelled back up to Newcastle to catch up with Mike. Or Hertfordshire. Or wherever Sports Direct have chosen to build their mysterious base. So Mike, Amanda says there’s a £250,000 bid still on the table for your house in the North-East. Are you going to sell?”

Mike: “I don’t know what Amanda’s going on about, there’s no bid. There’s not even a table. Unless you count that one out there at the front of the warehouse with Lonsdale T-shirts on. Do you want one? A tenner down to £2.99?”

Phil and Kirsty: “So, that’s where we have to leave it I’m afraid. Not one of our most successful house searches, but join us again next week when we’ll be back in the North-East trying to help an American called Ellis sell his house in Sunderland.

"Goodness only knows what we’ll be able to do there.”