Cards, coke and controversy - how the final day of the season could unfold

2.00

Louis van Gaal is forced to defend himself as his pre-match interview from the KC Stadium coincides with the release of a Manchester United team sheet that shows he has selected himself to play up front.

“It was either that or pick Falcao,” he says. “In order to protect the integrity of the competition and ensure that we do our best to be fair to everyone, I thought I’d better pick the strongest side possible.”

2.30

There is some early pre-match drama at St James’ Park as John Carver is nowhere to be seen just half-an-hour before kick-off. A couple of panicked calls from the coaching staff reveal that the head coach is holing out on the final hole at Parklands Golf Club in Gosforth.

“This has been in my diary for quite a while and while some supporters might say I should be concentrating on the game, I’ve raised £3.50 for charity by collecting lost balls from the bushes as I’ve been going round,” says Carver. “And let’s be honest, even if I was in the dressing room, they wouldn’t listen to a bloody word I was saying anyway.”

2.55

Claims that Sunderland’s players are not taking their final game seriously intensify as they leave the tunnel at Stamford Bridge.

Costel Pantilimon is wearing sunglasses and flip flops, John O’Shea is polishing off a couple of barbecued chicken legs and Jermain Defoe is downing a bottle of San Miguel.

“We might be safe, but I can guarantee that none of my players are thinking about their holidays,” says Dick Advocaat. “Chelsea’s players had better get ready for a difficult afternoon.”

3.01

Diego Costa skips around two sun beds and a parasol at the heart of the Sunderland back four to fire Chelsea into a 1-0 lead.

3.15

The relegation picture changes as Hull take the lead. The goal is a controversial one, as Manchester United’s defenders claim that their half of the pitch was plunged into darkness as Nikica Jelavic stole in to convert Tom Huddlestone’s cross.

Subsequent investigations prove that the eclipse-like phenomenon was caused by Steve Bruce’s belly momentarily blocking out the sun as he hauled himself off the bench and moved to the edge of the technical area.

3.35

With Hull still leading, Newcastle are in serious trouble, and their position becomes even bleaker when they are reduced to ten men.

Having been penalised for offside, Remy Cabella attempts to copy Cesc Fabregas’ strop against West Brom and tries to hoof the ball at Kevin Nolan. True to form, however, the Frenchman shanks it off the outside of his boot and almost decapitates two young fans in the Gallowgate. As a result, he is shown a straight red card.

3.44

Hull tumble back into the bottom three as they concede an equaliser to Wayne Rooney on the stroke of half-time.

With his players in need of a pick-me-up at the break, Bruce puts the suspended Jake Livermore in charge of the refreshments. “There’s coke all round...” says Livermore. “...as well as Fanta.” Bruce goes for the Diet Coke option. With a double brandy.

4.01

Having kept his powder dry during the first half, Lee Cattermole throws himself into Eden Hazard’s shins at the start of the second half. The game hasn’t even restarted, but the Sunderland skipper still picks up a yellow card that makes him the first player in Premier League history to receive 15 bookings in a season.

“I’m sick of hearing that 1973 is the last time Sunderland won something,” says Advocaat. “Well, not any more it isn’t. I think we should all be extremely proud of what Lee has achieved.”

4.12

The pendulum swings again as Hull reclaim the lead. Ahmed Elmohamady beats David De Gea from 25 yards, sending Newcastle back into the bottom three.

“People doubted that my players could achieve this,” says Bruce. “But I always had complete faith in them. I see how committed they are about playing. You literally cannot hold them back when they see that white line...”

4.19

With the Magpies back in the relegation zone, and the game against West Ham heading for an uneventful goalless draw, the mood at St James’ Park becomes increasingly mutinous.

There are howls of derision as Newcastle’s players punt another aimless long ball forward, and angry chants mock the men in charge of the Magpies. “Get that fat ******* out of our club,” roars one fan, as the Sky cameras pan towards the stands.

“This is just like the good old days,” says Sam Allardyce, before checking to see whether Abdoulaye Faye is still wandering around aimlessly at centre-half.

4.28

Sunderland’s players concede a second goal at Stamford Bridge as they are briefly distracted by a tour rep selling tickets for an all-you-can-drink boat trip that evening. The game finishes in a 2-0 defeat, but within ten minutes of the final whistle, the team coach has arrived at the departure lounge at Heathrow’s Terminal Five.  

“When people talked about the Great Escape, I didn’t know they meant getting out of Chelsea to make the 5.30 flight to Ayia Napa,” says Advocaat. “Still, I’m proud of what we’ve done in the last few months, so I’ve agreed to remain as head coach until the middle of next season. Or, to be more precise, until the week before Sunderland are due to play Newcastle.”

4.40

With his side heading into the Championship, Carver decides to send on the cavalry. However, a quick look along the substitutes’ bench confirms he’s got nothing fitting that description, so he throws on Sammy Ameobi and Vurnon Anita instead.

The game finishes goalless, meaning Newcastle are down unless Manchester United equalise against Hull. “Get me pictures of some people from Newcastle crying, drunk and generally making a fool of themselves,” says a Sky TV director. The channel briefly switches to Geordie Shore.

4.50

There are five minutes of stoppage time at the KC Stadium, with a disinterested Manchester United seemingly destined to send Newcastle to the Championship.

However, with just seconds remaining, Steve Harper makes a complete hash of a clearance, enabling Robin van Persie to roll an equaliser into an open goal. Newcastle are safe, with Hull dropping into the second tier.

“I always knew we’d come good in the end, and it’s fitting that it’s a Geordie who’s saved us,” says Carver. “I’d better dash though because I’m just off to see Mike now. Apparently, there’s a contract knocking about that he wants me to sign...”