Can you really imagine Mike Ashley watching Valencia bang in a couple of World Cup goals on his TV and then dig down the back of the sofa to pluck out £12m in loose change?
Me neither, and the latest talk smacks of an agent desperately trying to drum up interest in his client now that the World Cup spotlight is fading.
Transfer likelihood rating: 2/10
A Newcastle move for Monaco forward Emmanuel Riviere is more likely, although not at the figure of between 7m-10m Euros that has been bandied around in the French media.
Riviere is 24, French, and rumoured to be looking for a move after growing frustrated at his lack of game time with Monaco. That’s a lot of Ashley’s favourite boxes being ticked in one go.
He joined Monaco in a 4m Euros move from Toulouse last summer, so Newcastle would probably have to shell out more than that to sign him.
But with Pierre-Michel Lasogga off the agenda and Alexandre Lacazette no nearer agreeing to a move to Tyneside, it wouldn’t be a surprise if Newcastle were sounding out alternative attacking options in their favourite French market.
Transfer likelihood rating: 6/10
Meanwhile, Alan Pardew opted for a change of scene yesterday and took his first-team squad training on Tynemouth beach.
Life’s a beach? Time to make a splash in the transfer market? Let’s sea how many puns we can squeeze in here before the whole thing becomes a little bit tiresome......
In the world of transfer tales, you can’t beat a good ‘come and get me plea’, and Nigeria international Michael Babatunde came up with one of the best yesterday as he tried to get a move to Sunderland.
“I have received an offer from several clubs, but the one from Sunderland is the one that interests me,” said Babatunde. “I have received several offers from different places, but I’m interested in the one from Sunderland.
So interested in fact, that he had to say it twice.
You’ve always got to be a little bit sceptical about players linking themselves with a certain club, and while it’s understood there has been contact with Sunderland, it’s not thought that the Nigerian midfielder is particularly close to the top of the Black Cats’ wanted list.
Still, in time honoured transfer fashion, maybe they’ll change their mind now that a good-old ‘come and get me plea’ has been flashed – and flashed is unquestionably the adjective of choice in such circumstances – in their direction.
Transfer likelihood rating: 3/10
In years to come, might Gus Poyet’s son, Diego, be regarded as the one that got away?
Poyet joined West Ham yesterday after his previous contract at Charlton Athletic expired, and he’s regarded in a number of circles as a bit of a future star.
All of which begs the question, why didn’t Gus do the dad thing and tell him he wouldn’t be allowed to leave his room until he signed on the dotted line for Sunderland.
How on earth is Poyet senior meant to be able to control his players if he can’t keep tabs on his own son for long enough to prevent him wandering off in the direction of Upton Park?
And why didn’t he warn him about not listening to strange men who constantly bang on about how they could have been the England manager, even though their own supporters at West Ham don’t even want them in charge of their club?
Transfer likelihood rating: 0/10
Lukas Jutkiewicz. Like a bad penny, or more precisely, a centre-forward with an unremarkable scoring record in the Championship, he keeps on coming round.
Today’s Northern Echo reveals that Burnley are the latest club to be linked with him, and like Marvin Emnes with Swansea, it’s tempting to wonder how on earth the Clarets are going to survive in the Premier League if they think Jutkiewicz is going to be the man to fire them to safety.
A bit harsh? Possibly, and it’s worth noting that Jutkiewicz sparked into life almost as soon as he left Boro to join Bolton in the second half of last season.
Both Bolton and Derby have been unable to come up with the funds to sign the striker, so the path is open for Burnley to pull off a deal provided they bid around £1.5m.
Whether that happens or not remains to be seen, but there’s definite interest and Burnley officials are expected to initiate further discussions with Boro before the weekend.
Transfer likelihood rating: 7/10
Having rebuffed Boro last week, Real Betis defender Juanfran now looks to be heading to Italy to join Palermo.
Other Italian clubs have also been in touch with his representatives, so the chances of a last-minute change of heart and midnight flit to Teesside are remote to say the least.
Aitor Karanka is desperate to sign a new right-back, but he’s going to have to look elsewhere.
Transfer likelihood rating: 0/10