Former editor gets the hump as he brings up the rear in charity horse race

THE world of sport has been blighted by some sensational scandals over the years: Maradona’s “Hand of God” goal against England in the 1986 World Cup; drugs cheat Ben Johnson’s bogus gold medal in the 1988 Olympics 100 metres; multiple Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong’s exposure as a cycling conman.

But all of them were eclipsed by the sinister controversy at Catterick Races today (Wednesaday), when a camel – yes, a camel - was allowed to claim victory in the inaugural St Teresa’s Hospice Pantomime Horse Race.

And I have particular reason to feel aggrieved by the lack of a stewards’ inquiry because I was the back end of The Northern Echo’s entry, which finished a disappointing third…

Chris Lloyd looks a bit nervous

It all began with a call from St Teresa’s Hospice - I’ve had some strange requests in my time but this one took sugar lump: “How do you fancy taking part in a pantomime horse race?”

I scanned my diary, desperately hoping to find a valid excuse, but the page for July 13, 2016 was blank, and I was left with no option but to agree.

Naturally, I needed a partner, so Chris Lloyd, one of the Echo’s finest writers – if not one of its finest athletes – was volunteered, though he insisted on being the front end. I insisted on a condition too – that he avoided curries on the eve of the race.

A couple of grey geldings carrying overweight, we were officially entered under the name of William Steed, in memory of one of The Northern Echo’s most illustrious editors, William Stead, although “Neigh Chance” had been another option.

I’m not saying I’m overly competitive but I had a proper breakfast on the morning of the race – a bowl of oats and a bucket of water – and recruited personal trainer, Johnny Harrison, from Darlington-based Corporate Personal Fitness, to put us through our paces.

I’d be a rich man if I had a pound for every time someone asked “Why the long face?” as we plodded round the parade ring. My excuse was that I had to run a furlong looking at Chris Lloyd’s backside, but Johnny did his best to cheer us up with some expert massages and a few leg exercises.

“Whoah there boy – you’re about to collide with a cow,” I heard him say as he led us round the paddock.

“A cow?” I shouted.

“Yeah, they only had two horse costumes so you’re racing against a cow,” came the reply. “Oh, and a camel.”

At one point, St Teresa’s Hospice Chief Executive Jane Bradshaw left her guests to get under the horse’s costume with me but it would be ungentlemanly to reveal details of what we got up to.

There’s not much I can tell you about the race itself because, when you’re at the back end, it’s a bit of a bum job. You have to run blind and hope that the front end has a sense of direction.

The record books will show that the camel, running for the Vauxhall Sherwoods motor dealer, under the name of Blown Gasket, was the winner.

Double Speed Destroyer, in the colours of Darlington company EE, came second. William Steed was a gallant third, and Hospice Moo-vement – the name given to the cow - limped home in fourth for St Teresa’s.

“What went wrong?” I gasped at the end of the race.

“The camel had an unfair advantage,” groaned personal fitness trainer Johnny, pointing out that both the front end and back end were able to stand up straight by virtue of the costume having a large hump at the back.

“It’s a lot easier to run upright,” he explained.

As she presented the silver trophy, Jane Bradsaw announced that she’d been stunned by the athleticism on display, adding: “I hope we can rely on your support next year.”

To be honest, it’s odds against. I’ve got the hump.