TV review

Wife Swap (C4)

EMILY and Florence, the crap transvestites, were having afternoon tea in an English tearoom. They were determined not to draw attention to themselves, although dressing as pantomime dames and having a moustache rather defeated the object.

The final straw was when one needed to go to the toilet. Attempting to use the gents was her first mistake. Being told by her companion in a loud voice: "Don't forget to sit down when you piss," was the other.

Where else could we be but Little Britain, where writers and performers Matt Lucas and David Walliams have a lot to live up to following the first series' rapid rise to cult status.

Many old favourites are back, including fast-talking Vicky Pollard, seen stuffing Pick 'n' Mix down her knickers, and Dafydd, the only gay in the village. He decides to come out to his parents. "Have you not had any arse action at all," inquired his unfazed mother, played by Ruth Madoc. She never had lines like that in Hi-De-Hi! And Geraldine James was never called upon to breastfeed a grown man in Jewel In The Crown either.

The Prime Minister's aide Sebastian Love has switched his attention to the Leader of the Opposition. Sitting on his lap, he asks, "Finger?" proffering a chocolate-coated biscuit.

With Tom Baker offering a totally bonkers narration, Little Britain is deliciously politically incorrect. It could put the Great back in Britain, just as Wife Swap promised to trigger World War Three, or at least an international incident, as English housewife Sharon changed places with German hausfrau Anna-Christina.

The scene was set for hostilities fiercer than the battle of the towels on the sun loungers around the hotel pool. Sharon left all the cooking, cleaning and washing up to partner Andy while she had beauty treatments and enjoyed girls' nights out, expecting Andy to pick her up in the early hours. Meals with their three children were taken in front of the giant plasma television.

Anna-Christina devoted her entire life to domestic duties for her husband and three children. They wouldn't dream of making a bed, washing the dishes or lifting a finger to help. They had no TV set, playing parlour games to pass the time.

There were initial clashes as the two women swapped places but not the outbursts and explosions we've come to expect from this series.

To everyone's surprise - including the producers, I suspect - both couples learnt something from the two-week exchange. Anna-Christina's husband realised he was taking her for granted and not allowing her enough freedom. Now the whole family do household duties.

Sharon admitted that Andy was being left to do too much and that she didn't tell him how much she loved him. She began cooking meals that the family eat at the table. Even more drastic, Sharon asked Andy to marry her. How different from the squabbles that usually end the programme.

Going Straight,

Darlington Civic Theatre

THERE was a warmth of goodwill about the Civic stage which bathed famous husband and wife stars John Alderton and Pauline Collins like the instant sun of the Spanish Costas. Back together on stage for the first time in 20 years, Alderton, even in Simon Cowell-style trousers, made a fascinating former London gangster while Collins reminded us of all that acting ability that reality-clad TV has fumbled through its fingers.

He was Michael the boastful "retired" boss seeking a fitting retirement with a young wife in southern Spain. She was Brenda, the wife of his former partner in crime Raymond (the always excellent George Costigan) who charges a high emotional price for taking a trip down memory lane with the two old mates.

Added into the mix is Polly, the couple's daughter Kate Alderton, who you know is anything but a TV researcher and Michael's wife Francine (Carol Royle in majestic mode), who rightly views his old pals like hunt supporters sneaking into the House of Commons.

Playwright Richard Harris imbues his characters with enough authenticity to interest us in people who are enjoying the proceeds of violent crime. The dishonour among thieves that eventually surfaces is nicely balanced with humour, including a line about kidnapping Prince Edward "not for the ransom, just to see now long before people notice". Mr Harris' cynical view of the forces of law and order ensures that the plot is tinged with sadness, but there's a definite chance this can take the East End to the West End.

Viv Hardwick

* Runs until Saturday. Box Office: (01325) 486555