THE weather outlook in Soapland over the coming week is thundery and showery with only a few bright spots. Expect plenty of wind too as Fred Elliott is huffing and puffing, I say huffing and puffing, about the water in the well in Audrey's back garden in Coronation Street (ITV1).

He wants to market the stuff, although selling it as Fred's Water isn't the brightest idea, although the name isn't that inappropriate as tests reveal the liquid's not pure drinking water but raw sewage. No wonder Fred's been feeling a bit peaky of late.

Still, with Candice pursuing her ambition to be a TV weathergirl - a sort of Wincey Willis for the 21st century - residents of Weatherfield should know whether it's going to be fine. Candice has decided that being a hairdresser isn't a glamorous enough job, so sets her sights on joining the ranks of weather presenters.

She even gives the Baldwins a sample of her technique which, unfortunately, shows a grasp of geography on a par with Jade Goody. She's a girl who doesn't know her isobar from her elbow.

Tracy Barlow isn't concerned about the weather, she's too busy bedding the father of her child, Steve McDonald. They end up together after the funeral of her long-lost father Ray Langton. Some people have a wake, Tracy sleeps with the nearest man.

There's a deep depression over Weatherfield General as killer Kay-ee, the wench with the wrench, lies in a coma following her suicide attempt. Ex-lover Mar-in the nurse (always handy to have one in the family when you're ill) has found the letter in which Kay-ee confessed to murdering her dad, terrible Tommy, but will it be enough to get her banged-up mum Angela "Lady Macbeth" Harris out of prison?.

A storm is brewing in Albert Square as a familiar face returns - and he's not a happy bunny in EastEnders (BBC1). Phil Mitchell is on the run and he's not training for the London Marathon. He needs cash to get away, so goes to all the places he owns in Walford. Or thought he owned, because things have changed since he did a runner 16 months ago.

He amuses himself by thumping long-time rival Adam Beale and flushing his head down the toilet. Fortunately for Adam, his head is still attached to his body at the time, so there's no permanent harm. A rinse in loo water might even improve the condition of his hair.

One bright spot is the 60th birthday of Pauline Fowler. But she doesn't like one of the presents she receives - news that daughter-in-law Sonia has been in contact with Chloe, the daughter she gave away. The father is Pauline's son (and Sonia's hubby) Martin, the tallest man in soap. Before she's even blown out the candles on the cake, Pauline is plotting to bring Chloe back into the family circle.

The residents of Emmerdale (ITV1) have decided the weather's too bad to venture outside and are amusing themselves between the sheets. Divorced Bob and Viv are both looking for new partners. Bob hooks up with Val when they're both feeling down in the dumps. A couple of bottles of wine later and the frisky pair are getting to know each other without the benefit of clothing.

Meanwhile, Bob's ex, Viv, is making her own entertainment with Paddy the vet. This is bad news for his wife Emily, who works with Viv and hasn't noticed anything going on.

Once this mild-mannered missus discovers the truth she becomes a changed woman, giving Viv a piece of her mind and telling Paddy she's moving into the spare room. If I was him, I'd hide all the sharp instruments in the house to be on the safe side.

Published: 14/04/2005